Get personal, just don't take it personally.

IMG_0820, originally uploaded by faz k.

I shot this self-portrait 9 days after I got my EOS 500D, James.

Looking at this photo, I found it funny how the only time I can look directly into the camera lens is when a part of my face is covered. This brings me to an apprehension that impacts my choice of photograpy subjects. I tell myself that I prefer inanimate objects instead of humans. One day, my subconscious mind asked back, "what is it about humans that make you avoid them as subjects?"

I allowed my mind to answer, and the revelation surprised me with its honesty. It was a deep-seated feeling that I never belonged anywhere, with anyone. As a child, I looked different from my cousins, and I believed it when my mother implied that I lack grace; very much like a bull in a china shop. I had been a chit-chatty little girl, until I was admonished with "little childen should be seen & not heard". I hid in closets & cupboards, scribbling in my note book conducting conversations in my head where everyone around me would pay rapt attention to what I said. In my teens, my mother reminded me many times that the appropriate time for me to join a conversation would be when I have my own family.

I realise now how this has impacted me as an adult. I was slow to suggest or give opinions for fear of being rejected, not included, and ridiculed. I agreed with the majority even though personally I know there was a better solution. I also shied away from portraiture photography because I convinced myself that I'd just be intruding the potential subjects. I had masked my fear of connecting with a warped sense of reality that I preffered buildings to people.

I realise that now, and have been moving forward since 2 years ago, post NLP certification, when I achieved breakthrough. And now, I'm ready to be more aware of the beauty of moving forward and explore. More specifically, to explore the interesting world of portraiture photography. My beloved buildings can wait :-)

Picture taken 9 June '09, EOS 500D 18-55mm kit lens, f/5.6, 1/4sec, ISO1600, focal length 49mm.

Trampled, maybe. Hurt, absolutely. Moving on, most definitely.

fallen hero, originally uploaded by faz k.

I knocked on your heart's door
Asking you to let me in
You opened it only to spit in my face and stick a knife in my chest -
To make sure I never come back.
Later, you look out and see me as I struggle to my feet -
And you call out to me, "How are you?"

Cruelty, thy name is the human male.


Picture details: shot at the National Monument using my point&shoot Canon PowerShot SX100IS. f/4.0, 1/200sec, focal length: 6.7 mm, ISO 100.

Finally the sun sets on the perfect picture

_MG_3860, originally uploaded by faz k.

From Paulo Coelho's Warrior of Light
******
Things as they are.

Of course things don’t always happen they way we wish they would. There are moments in which we feel we are seeking something that is not meant for us, knocking on doors that don’t open, waiting for miracles that don’t manifest themselves.

Fortunately that is the way things are – if everything went the way we wanted, soon we would no longer have anything to write about, nothing to guide our daily thoughts. This script serves our dreams as nourishment, but to our battles as energy. And as it always happens with the warriors that spend all their energy in the Good Fight, there are moments in which it is best to relax and believe that the Universe is still working for us secretly, even if we cannot comprehend it.

And so, let us allow the Soul of the World to fulfill its mission, and if we can’t help, the best way to collaborate is to pay attention to the simple things in life; the sunset, the people in the street, the reading of a book.

However, in many cases, time continues passing and nothing exceptional happens. But the true warrior of light believes. Just like children believe.

Because they believe in miracles, the miracles begin to happen.

Because they are certain that their thoughts can change their lives, their lives begin to change.

Because they are certain they will find love, this love appears.

Sometimes they are disappointed. Sometimes they feel hurt.

Then they hear the comments, “you are so naïve!”

But the warrior knows it is worth the price. To each defeat, there are two conquests in his favor.

In an interesting and diminutive book called “The Breviary of Medieval Knights,” there are some passages that have to be remembered in these moments of waiting:

“The Path’s spiritual energy uses justice and patience to prepare your spirit.”

“This is the Knight’s Path. An easy and hard path at the same time, as it urges us to let aside useless things and relative friendships. That is why, at the beginning, we hesitate so much to follow it.”

“This is a Knight’s first teaching: you will erase everything you wrote up to now on your life’s notebook: turmoil, insecurities, lies. And in place of all that, you will write the word courage. Beginning the journey with this word and going on with faith in God, you will arrive where you need to arrive.”

Even so, sometimes we keep on waiting – with patience, resignation, courage – and still, things around us don’t move. But since this is the path we chose, it seems impossible that life’s blessings are not working in our favor. It provokes, therefore, a deep reflection about what we call “results:” our destiny is manifesting itself in a way we are not able to fully comprehend . Jorge Luís Borges wrote a masterly short story about this issue.

He describes the birth of a tiger that spends great part of its life in the African wildness but ends up being captured and taken to a zoo in Italy. From then on, the animal thinks his life has lost sense and there is nothing left to do but wait for the day he dies.

One fine day, poet Dante Alighieri passes by this zoo, looks at the tiger, and the animal inspires a verse – in the midst of thousands of verses – of “The Divine Comedy.”

“The entire battle for survival that tiger went through was only so that it could be at the zoo on that morning and inspire an immortal verse,” says Borges.

Just like this tiger, we all have a reason – a very important reason – to be here, at this moment, this morning.

So relax. And pay attention.

Serenity - or holding on to the ledge with one's fingertips as calmly as possible

Face From Angkor, originally uploaded by vincenzooli.

It's been a tough week, surprisingly.

I had been struggling with a new aspect of my work that involves marketing activities. I thought it would come natural to me, honestly I did. Did I overestimate my own capabilities? I'm not sure. One thing I AM sure is how much I love content design & development. I don't need to struggle to get the big picture before I work on a paragraph. I just know when to skim and where to scan for the right level of insight needed to be spot on. I'd see pictures in my head like multiple pop-up windows. But get me to make a phone call to confirm an appointment, the palms of my hands break into cold sweat. Oh dear.

Am I too complacent and just want to stay in my area of content development - writing articles, designing methodologies & approaches, reviewing processes etc - until I can't see myself doing anything else? I don't think so. I want to stretch myself more in that area. Developing structure and content in other medium, presenting ideas in different ways. Put me in a solitary cubicle with no one around me and I'd be happy. I'd be serene, even.

Then I saw this photo, and vincenzooli kindly gave me his permission to blog it when I wrote to him. I love his travel pictures. This one in particular, helped me to relax.

And today I wrote to my boss. First, an update. Last, a confession that I'm at loss to handle this marketing stuff. Not sure what she'll say to me - she'd probably sit me down & discuss this. She'd probably share with me her point of view. That'd be fine. I've been so comfortably expressing myself in writing the last two weeks I'm not sure if I can think and talk at the same time, though.

Wish me luck. In the meantime, enjoy vincenzooli's Face From Angkor.

When does getting up close become getting too close?

Do these come from a real peacock?, originally uploaded by faz k.

It took me a while to digest the 'get too close to the trees and you can't see the forest' saying. While acknowledging the idea in that saying, I am aware that I do need to get close to something to see it clearer. Like in photography, for instance - Robert Capa said, 'if your photos are not good enough, you're not close enough' - or something close to that.

I think we just need to recognize the point where getting up close equals getting too close. Because, even in making pictures, we need to fill the frame. However, if we keep on zooming in, there's a point where we can't see anything but a blur. That's when we zoom out a little, and then we'd see the picture that we need to make. Or the action we need to take in order to get the best result.

Photography. Very much like creating solutions for issues in other aspects of life too, no?

Picture taken with my Canon PowerShot SX100 IS, 1/8 sec, f/3.5, focal length 14.4mm, ISO 80.

Sweet dreams are made of these

_MG_3779, originally uploaded by Faz K PSPJ.

The sampan was made by hand and transported from Pulau Duyung, Terengganu, the announcer said.

Putrajaya was bursting with colors during Floria 2009. I took this shot on late Saturday afternoon. It was still very hot and bright, even though the long shadows showed me that it was close to sunset. I was at the foot of the Millenium Monument and turned around towards the lake. The whispering leaves of the trees welcomed me. I immediately sat down on the lush green grass and felt calmer, cooler. I wanted to capture the dreamy feeling I had, so I decided to use the tree branches to frame the small boat. It took me 12-13 frames to make sure that I got the boat where I wanted it to be. And now, I can look at this photo and transport myself back to that moment on a late Saturday afternoon where I was in my own little world, right there in the shade of the trees by the Putrajaya lake.

Photo details: taken with the EOS 500D on AV mode, 1/500sec, f/4.5, 25mm focal length, ISO 100, +2 EV

Even I think things have gone too far, Pt 1

IMG_3745, originally uploaded by Faz K projects.

Dalam satu video baru-baru ini, seorang menteri:
- mempertahankan kemungkinan ada ikhtiar penapisan internet
- memaklumkan beliau hanya akan menjawab soalan tentang Merdeka 52 tahun sahaja
- menegaskan tidak akan ada tolak-ansur dalam memastikan pornografi kanak-kanak sifar

Dalam video ini, seorang menteri menjegilkan matanya sambil menggunakan nada suara yang sinis, menegur seorang wartawan yang menggunakan bahasa Inggeris dalam soalannya. Kesima aku. Sungguh tak sangka seorang menteri yang aku pernah hormati waktu kanak-kanak mengendalikan sidang akhbarnya sebegitu rupa. Sombongnya dia. "where were you educated? can't speak bahasa at all", "chakap oreang putey"... berjayakah pendekatan begini menimbulkan rasa hormat terhadapnya dan maklumat yang disampaikan? Hampas yang amat menghampakan. Kalau dia nak wartawan tu rasa segan, mungkin teguran secara lembut dapat menyampaikan maksud yang tersirat dengan lebih baik, kesan yang lebih mendalam. Contohnya: "Bukankah kita dalam sidang akhbar promosi Merdeka 52? Marilah kita gunakan bahasa kebangsaan hari ini.." Tak payah jegil-jegil mata, ya tidak?

Aku belajar dalam negeri. Dari St Teresa's Kindergarten Kuala Terengganu sampailah ke Universiti Utara Malaysia Sintok. Aku selesa berbahasa Inggeris - mak ayah aku dah biasa berbahasa Inggeris, Kebangsaan, loghat Kelantan, Terengganu, Pahang, Batak (bapak aku lah) dan semua itu dengan harapan anak-anak mereka mampu bercakap untuk minta tolong kalau sesat di tempat orang - tak semua orang tahu loghat Terengganu, mak aku ajar masa aku belum akil baligh dulu.

Mujur mak ayah aku ajar kami sebaik mungkin. Kalau tak, aku mungkin jadi macam beberapa lepasan Universiti tempatan di lokasi sedikit luar Lembah Kelang yang bukan berasaskan pertanian yang duduk letaknya dekat-dekat rumah bapak saudara aku tak jauh dari hutan simpan Bangi. Aku pernah temuduga budak-budak lepasan U ini masa aku 'berkecimpung' (bergelumang sebenarnya) dalam dunia HR beberapa tahun lepas. Aku semak semua jawapan. Secara bertulis dalam borang yang bukan dalam bahasa kebangsaan tu - tak menjawab soalan. Secara lisan? Malang. Koyak rabak ayat dan perenggan masing-masing. Daripada geram aku rasa macam nak tempeleng depa, aku terus jadi tak sampai hati. Waktu aku tengok muka graduan-graduan tu, aku seakan boleh dengar dalam batu jemala tu bunyi enjin - dengar bahasa inggeris perempuan ni cakap-terjemah dalam bahasa kebangsaan-terjemah balik dalam bahasa inggeris-buka mulut-jawab. Sakit, aku rasa, duduk dalam bilik temuduga dengan aku. Aku tengok muka depa berkerut-kerut pun aku rasa sakit.

Mungkin aku ni emosi sangat. Mungkin aku patut ucap tahniah kepada menteri ni. Nak sangat semua orang fasih berbahasa kebangsaan. Nah, ambik. Berkoyan-koyan lepasan universiti tempatan sekarang tidak berbahasa Inggeris. Tidak mampu? Tidak diajar? Tidak pandai? Lebih mendaulatkan bahasa kebangsaan? Tepuk dada tanya selera.

Mendidih jugak darah aku, membuak-buak, waktu tengok video ini. Kemudian aku terkenang cikgu-cikgi yang berhempas-pulas ajar aku dari masa aku 4 tahun ikat rambut tocang dua sampai lah dewasa andartu sekarang ni. Kalau tak sebab depa bertungkus lumus pastikan aku faham semua bahasa yang depa ajar aku, tak boleh lah aku 'menjawab' masa konsultan mat saleh perli sahabat sekerja aku yang sama-sama baru macam aku masa aku mula-mula kerja dulu sambil sahabat aku tu terkebil-kebil macam ayam berak kapur. Tak bolehlah aku jawab balik mangkuk yang kutuk aku dalam bahasa jerman dalam keretapi masa aku assignment kat Munich dulu. Tak bolehlah aku tangkis ejekan staf hotel masa aku kerja kat Beijing beberapa tahun dulu.

Memang bahasa kebangsaan sangat penting. Sebahagian dari jiwa kita. Kita rakyat Malaysia; aku pun meluat beruk kalau ada cerita orang-orang yang tak pandai berbahasa kebangsaan tambah lagi kalau orang tu macam aku, ada cop 'rubber stamp' dalam paspot antarabangsa sejak kerja saja, bukan sejak masa belajar. Pokoknya, SEMUA BAHASA penting. Sudah tentu termasuk bahasa isyarat dan Braille, terutama kepada pihak yang memerlukannya.

Pada aku, keupayaan untuk berkomunikasi dengan lancar lebih penting. Dalam apa bahasa yang perlu sekalipun. Mendaulatkan bahasa kebangsaan tidak sepatutnya bermakna bahasa lain diperkecilkan. Tidak sama sekali. Itu bodoh sombong namanya.

Mungkin kita semua perlu jadi bodoh sombong. Eh tak, aku rasa tak. Aku tak mau. Mak ayah dan cikgu-cikgi aku tak ajar aku macam tu.

p.s.

BTW - aku tengok dalam kamus kesima = dumbfounded. Aku kira lebih kurang macam 'gobsmacked' lah tu. OK lah ya?

Even I think things have gone too far, Pt 2

_MG_3803, originally uploaded by faz k.

The question behind the question is, what am I going to do about it?

Vijay wrote on Eddie's wall that ultimately, what's sad is that we can go on ranting & nothing may change. I can't quite argue with that statement, because I feel the rakyat have been hurt & disappointed and I'm not sure if they can handle the frustration much longer without resorting to some sort of emotional detachment or even worse, apathy. What's the impact of that then? We'd all probably stop trying our hardest and best, and just walk around, existing rather than living, waiting for the next thoughtless decrees that are outcomes of improper planning; to be retracted later by someone of the higher power. The good cop bad cop ploy and the tail wagging the dog do come to mind.

On Saturday, I joined a reccy trip to Putrajaya to prepare for our PSPJ outing the next day. It was late afternoon when I snapped this photo.

First, I felt sheer delight in hearing the children's joyful laugh and seeing the colors around me. Suddenly, I was gripped by fear. Fear of being mediocre, unconsciously teaching the children around me that it's ok to just follow directions without knowledge of the destination and of the purpose being served. That the best thing to do is to never ask questions, never discuss things that could be considered as taboo. They might as well get lobotomized immediately after their birth - special package price, 2-in-1 circumcision AND lobotomy, no?

NO. NO WAY.

If things move this way our children will inherit a world full of mediocrity. And we'd be guilty of that because we allowed fools with consistent verbal diarrhea to invade our thoughts with senseless statements and directives.

That's when Vijay's comment re-surfaced. And I realised that nothing can change if I don't be the change that I want to see. I looked at this photo again and then I heard it - my wake-up call from indifference and hopelessness. I will strive to be good and do right. To add meaning to my life and the people that I impact. To have faith in my own abilities and continue learning to improve my strengths. So what if there are people in powerful positions, even ministers, who continue to blunder their way around. They can make all the stupid remarks they want. I have faith that at some point, way back perhaps, their intentions were good. I have faith that my friends and loved ones are smart people who will not follow blindly. So those people can carry on. So si Luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya. Biarkan, biarkan, bloody biarkan.

Maybe I will still rant once in a while, but I will definitely continue to fight the good fight.

Because change begins with me.

Kepercayaan. Faith.

_MG_3829, originally uploaded by faz k.

Millenium monument, during Floria 2009, August.

The obelisk-like monument has carvings on its body to depict the Rukunegara, or National Principles, which is based on 5 guiding principles.

In full, it's read:
MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia, berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut :

KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

The literal translation from Wikipedia follows:

NOW THEREFORE WE, the people of Malaysia, pledge to concentrate the whole of our energy and efforts to achieve these ambitions based on the following principles:

BELIEF IN GOD
LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
THE SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
THE RULE OF LAW
COURTESY AND MORALITY

I think the main key here is KEPERCAYAN. Faith. People of power can say whatever they want, sometimes they don't make sense to me. But they will never take away my faith in God and my faith in me.