Project: tsubo niwa - site analysis

How the site looks like now:

Soon to be dining area, looking out to balcony

Balcony view from sliding door area

The space does have potential! :-)

Project: tsubo niwa - the beginning

First things first: before putting anything down on paper.

I did my initial research on different garden styles and the goal of using each design. I only have a small area i.e. my balcony. I liked what I saw in discussions on small courtyard gardens and I decided to have a Japanese influence to my own small oasis of calm. I found out that deciding what I want to do with/in my garden influences a lot on the type of garden I will create. Usually, a small courtyard garden is admired by the household, not really a space to sit in or walk in, due to its small size. The concept of Japanese-style gardens is based on the idea that a garden mimics nature. Remember the bonzai plants? Carefully pruned bonzai plants resemble the shapes of larger trees. These plants mimic them; are miniatures of larger trees. In designing my garden, I need to consider elements that work together in an asymmetrical balance and unity.

Since my tsubo niwa is mainly for me to view and use to contemplate nature, I will need additional space to sit. I decided to use a portion of my living room that is the dining area, and expand it to include a couple of cushions near the sliding doors opening to the balcony. I have a small coffee table that can work in this setting, and to me this works somewhat similarly to the idea of an infinity pool - creating a swimming pool that looks out to the ocean; as if the pool goes out until the horizon, as far as the eyes can see.

Keeping in mind that the journey is as healing as the end-result, I started off with measuring the area I have.

First things first: measure, measure, measure.

I created a 1:10 scale drawing of the area I'm working with. The image posted below is stretched a little to ease viewing.

Next steps for me to consider would be to decide on the enclosure and the design of my dry-type garden. I'll need to take into account future maintenance of any plants, security and safety features, and comfort i.e. if I plant tall bamboos to shield my garden from neighbours' views, will these be places for mosquitoes to breed - and other related stuff.

I also now have a deadline. This 'shake-leg' period will end on March 14. I start work at my new job on March 15 - if not earlier, if I can make it.

Project balcony: Tsubo Niwa

I am going to build my own courtyard garden, Tsubo Niwa, on my balcony. I've started my research on the concept of a Japanese-style garden. Project: Tsubo Niwa officially begins today.

Second Spring

I finally did it. As advised, I handed in my one-month notice. Taking into consideration my prorated annual leave days, my last day to be in the office is this Friday, Feb 9. My last day as a salaried employee would be Wed, Feb 28.

What a ride. Surreal on some occasions, but a huge roller-coaster ride, nevertheless.

Wow.

Normal can be blissful too

Normal days are good days too.

I've begun to look forward to weekends, starting from a month or two ago. Saturday was interesting, started off with me shaking off the nightmare I had had the night before. Spent the morning watching a little bit of tv before going off to the gym to join a couple of classes. Came back in the early evening totally exhausted! Had a good night's sleep from 9:30 pm till 2:30 am, when I woke up hungry. Made myself a tomato and cucumber sandwich and watched half an hour of TV before returning to bed.

Woke up this morning feeling almost normal - back to my usual self. Bought 2 newspapers and devoured them with breakfast. The short drive home after breakfast took me to a landscaping contractor a stone's throw from my apartment. I decided to stop there. I loved the place! Bought a bag of tiny grey river stones and promised myself to return to get other stuff for my Japanese tea garden balcony project.

I was feeling pretty good with myself then and decided to venture on to join a gym class near PJ town. Had a great workout, and I really needed the endorphins. Rang my brother and invited myself over for lunch with his family in Rawang. Bought some yummy fruits over as souvenirs (I'm glad they loved what I got them), enjoyed a yummy home-cooked lunch and played with my 2 cute nieces for a couple of hours before heading home. Stopped by a cafe not far from home and met up with a friend for a quick chat.

Earlier this evening I heard from OC - he's back from Tioman island 'with a tan, long hair and a beard' which meant he was nursing a red face and did not shave for 3 days LOL. I decided to accept his invite and went over to his place for dinner. We walked from Villa Puteri to this chinese restaurant and had kangkung belacan, kailan in oyster sauce, singapore fried beehon and on top of those OC had his sweet & sour pork. I couldnt believe they spent 4 hours in the ferry to Tioman island because of the turbulent waves. I feel bad for the people who felt sick - I forgot to ask him if there were many families with children on the boat. We couldnt finish the noodles but we certainly polished off all the veggies (and OC had all of the pork) Everything was yummy (as yummy as OC looked unshaven) and the walk back helped digest the food. He walked me to my car, wished me a safe drive home, and reminded me that we're going out for dinner again soon, sometime this week.

So after this, it's a quick warm shower and a good night sleep for me. has it been a lovely weekend? You betcha. :-)

Sleep is poison

I had the dream again last night.

It's dark, probably night time. A young woman with long straight black hair is hanging from a lamp post by a lonely roadside. No one is about. I ask myself - was this the work of a lynch mob? Did she commit suicide? I dont know. I cant see her face because her hair covers it. I'm watching from many angles; sometimes I'm standing on the ground, looking up as she sways very lightly in the evening breeze. Sometimes I'm approaching her from an angle in the sky, where I see her bent head first and the knots forming the noose around her neck. Sometimes it's a silent nightmare. Sometimes, after a few moments of silence, I will hear a scream. When I hear it, I will know that someone is very afraid. And then I will feel very helpless, because I can hear someone is in trouble but I cant find her - I cant help her.

No matter how different the bad dream is, it will always end the same way. I'd move closer and see the woman's face. The breeze will lift her hair and reveal her face. I will then see that the face is mine. The dead eyes will be open, looking right back at me.

Now whenever I close my eyes I will see her. I even see her as I write these words. I never knew nightmares can occur even when youre awake. I wish I could sleep with my eyes open so that I will never see her again.

Love me, love my shoes

A good friend of mine dropped by here and emailed me from Jakarta, asking if my real name was not 'Marcos' :-) , responding to my earlier email where I told him a girl can't have too many pairs of shoes. Interestingly, he pointed out that 'at least they are neat and orderly' and had wondered if they were just made neat for the photo shoot. Well, this may be nightmare-inducing knowledge, but for those who are looking for new ideas to lengthen the life-span of their shoes and not keeping things neat just for visitors, here's what I can share:

1. I keep a wooden shoe rack outside the main entrance. Here are all my flip-flops and shoes that my friends and family can use when they want to go to the swimming pool. The rationale behind this is: if you can afford to lose them, they can be left outside


2. The mat outside the main entrance is not meant to hide the house keys. That's where we wipe our feet before coming into the house (assuming shoes are removed only after entering the house)


3. I keep a chair near the front door so that no one steps into my living room with their shoes on. They sit down in that chair and remove their shoes, pretty please. In Real Simple: The Organized Home, Kendell Cronstrom wrote about the foyer, described as something that 'might seem like little more than a hallway with a front door attached, but in some ways it's the most important space in your home'. I agree with Cronstrom's suggestion that a pleasant foyer will let visitors and family know how much you care about your home - and them. I dont have a cooridored hallway that looks like a more designated foyer area. However, inspiration came in the form of a 3-panel bamboo screen from Ikea. Using it creates direction yet maintains the open-plan style of my living area. I leave my shoes there overnight (or more, in the case of my gym shoes) to air them before I transfer them to my shoe rack in the walk-in.

Airing the shoes keep them fresh and shoe-trees help keep shoes in shape. I've got my favorite cobbler who resoles and reheels my shoes when needed. More?

1. Brush/wipe off dirt from shoes immediately. Unless you have a butler/valet who does this things for you, get used to it.
2. Once a week, run a feather duster over your shoes (you have to run it over your bookshelves anyway)
3. Find a good personal rythm (monthly, once in 3 months) take your 'shoe collection temperature'. Give em a polish. Polish not only makes them look good, they also repel water. Not everyone can afford to go 'singing in the rain' and throw away their shoes after.

OK Paul - NOW you can call me Imelda.

Home Org - ideas and reference

MM made an interesting point about her hubby giving up on her handbag collection :-) I had a problem managing my bags too, for the longest time. Then, in 2003, I discovered Cash Converters - I was a member of the gym upstairs, and I'd always pop by the store to check the stuff out. Not only they sell stuff (their tagline is 'Why buy new when slightly used will do?') they also buy stuff. I've sold many bags to cash converters. Sure, it's not an option to make money, but a little bit of cash is so much better than none, and it helps clear space.

Another resource for me in tackling wardrobe organization is a book by Trinny Woodall and Savannah Constantine, What You Wear Can Change Your Life. It helps me to understand that it's more important to develop my own personal style, rather than follow the fashion trends for the sake of being current. It tackles the fundamentals: your body shape, coloring, lifestyle, bone structure. Stresses on the importance of good upholstery i.e. shape-flattering undergarments, before moving on to type of clothes that work and dont, accessories (bags, shoes that work with the shapes of my calves and ankles, and jewellery). It lightly touches makeup and skincare. The chapter on culling started my research on organizing my stuff and creating my walk-in wardrobe.

Project Wardrobe: Before

Project Wardrobe: After

I also have their other book, What Not to Wear Pt 2: For Every Occasion. This one provides examples of items that can work or not, based on the occasion you need to attend i.e. winter wedding, job interview (new), job interview (re-entering the workforce), summer wedding, beach vacation etc. I like it for the ideas it gives me when I'm packing for a trip. The second book's ok, but I value the first one more.

As for home orgnaization, I love open spaces so I keep on thinking of ways to reduce clutter. Our family home in the east coast is the classic example of a hoarder's heaven. My mum just cannot part with any of her stuff. We moved from the old government quarters house to the new government quarters block in 1980, and from there we moved in 1993 to the house my parents bought not far from the center of Kuala Terengganu town. I see that we still have pots and pans from 1979 (and the cupboard that they were in then) in our current backyard!

Just thinking about that makes me want to create a serene Japanese tea garden on my tiny balcony... I can see it now: 'Project Balcony'....

Before and after: Bag storage idea

Notes on Project Closet :-)

Before: clutter and no proper storage for my bags, jeans and bedlinen.

After: Sorted. The empty top shelf is space for bedlinen.

Homesickness cure

Whenever I travel and I get a wee bit homesick for my family, I call them. When I miss my coccoon of personal space, I look at photos of my favorite corners of my apartment and instantly feel soothed.

My shoes! To the left is my corkboard where I store my earrings and stuff

One side of my walk-in. My little slice of heaven on earth... *sigh*

A corner of my living room dedicated to me and my punching bag. I hug it first when I come in after a long day, and it's where I practice my punches and kicks when I need to work off some steam. I wish it has arms so that I can get hugged back sometimes.

It's been a long time coming, but I really am happy with how things turn out. I finally dont feel too empty, lethargic and ill after coming home from my business trips. I've also started feeling the extra value of my weekends and I look forward to coming home after work.

Before this, my bed was out in the living room, along with my working desk, armchair and bedside tables. It felt more stark than any no-star no-moon hotel room. Maybe that was how I cushioned myself to make work traveling more tolerable. Sure, the 5- and 4-star hotels are lovely. Being the program manager, I always am given the higher end rooms, the club floors, the executive harborview rooms etc. In fact, the Kowloon Shangri-La one that I was in during the Hong Kong workshop in 2004 was half the size of my apartment. The bathroom alone was bigger than my bedroom! I didnt dare talk to anyone about how disconcerted I felt. To my ears even, I sounded ungrateful. I didnt dare to have my friends tell me that they'd give anything to have a job like mine. I sound like I'm whining if I tell them how lonely it gets. How I need to be on top of things all the time and it's not ethical for me to just take off during the day and plan a trip to Lantau Island to see the big Buddha statue. How wandering alone by myself was just not doing it for me. And how calling up friends or colleagues in a foreign city just doesnt work for me anymore because I feel uneasy having them feel that they need to plan some weekend agenda for me since I was in the country.

The last 2 weeks of 2006 was spent on vacation from work. I rearranged my furniture, got rid of a ot of clutter, put a rug in the living room with throw cushions, added a table lamp or two, and claimed my own personal space again. I dont need that much stuff, it turned out. No added furniture. No clutter. What I have is enough.

Yeah - things are not too bad at all :-)

Myers-Briggs Tpe Indicator-ed, pt 2

p.s.

I passed the exam!! I am now an internationally accredited MBTI practitioner. That means I am now allowed to purchase restricted MBTI materials, administer the tool in the correct settings, and interpret the results to clients in one-on-one sessions or in an interactive group session.

Interestingly enough, the statistics part of the program relaxed me. I enjoyed the theory and idea behind them, and I loved learning about it. The construction of the tool was the one that I need to study more to enhance my understanding.

I'm very grateful. And very happy. My gift to myself this year - the gift of learning.

Good on ya, girl.

Leaving on a jet plane

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."

At least that's how the song went, if I'm not mistaken. Finally, the time has come to leave. What happens when you lose your interest and motivation in your job? You've been doing the same thing for 3 years and due to turbulent organizational changes, you had had to take extra management responsibility when your manager left. Not only you have to establish instant authority and credibility in front of your internal clients, who turn instantly into packs of crazy hyenas - more loud and scavenging than any external clients imaginable - you also need to work totally independantly. Your headquarters unit, halfway across the world from you, totally forgot that they were still paying some paltry salary to a staff member here in the Asia region. 3 years after that world-shaking event, headquarters finally got shaken and stirred more than Bond's vodka martini, and as the heads roll off at the guilliotine, they suddenly remember you. They now have an easier job for you. You no longer need to assume management responsibility. You now will report to a Tom in China, and while you both report to a Dick in Europe, you yourself need to report to a local Harry a few floors above you, who's totally clueless about what you do, by the way.

You lose interest. The challenge in your work is gone. You force yourself to slog on the best you can until it takes a toll on your health. Your neck gets stiff (and not because you swallowed a Viagra and it got stuck there), you're down with flu every goddamn day, and you get abdominal cramps even when it's not THAT time of the month. You enjoy traveling, but an opportunity to meet the team in an exotic European city somehow didi not appeal to you. You freeze, and the toothache came. When you schedule for a wisdom tooth surgery that just prevents you from traveling to another lovely continent for a meeting, I suggest you look deep into your soul to find out what are your preferences in life.

So you talk to your team leader who flies down to your office to meet you. You seek guidance. You two talk, then the Tom walks up to consult the Harry sitting a few floors up. Then you get summoned to the throne room and the local Harry (or Harriette), facial hair bristling, tells you that since you've lost your motivation and inspiration to continue with this work that's so bloody easier and less challenging than what you did before she just couldnt understand what you're looking for, it's best that you resign. There's no way you and the organization can continue together.

What do you do? Beg for another opportunity to redeem yourself?

I didnt. I just nodded and agreed to resign. My letter will be on her desk on Jan 31. Later, Tom came down to my office and told me that they discussed an amount to pay me since they were the ones who asked me to resign. Whatever. I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting. I dont feel the joy in fighting for every little scrap of task that I want to do because they were not originally delegated to me. I'm sick of it. I want my manager to do some work too. Identify my potential. Work with me to find out my interests and allocate tasks that motivate me into positive action. Things like that, you know? Sometimes, the best strategy to fight is to look deep and choose your battles. I have chosen mine and this is not it. The statement that the local boss made just trule demonstrated the senility and cluelessness that filled the head with cotton wool between the left and the right ears.

And tomorrow, I'll spend lunchtime in RedBox to belt out Air Supply and John Denver songs. The first will be "Leaving on a Jet Plane".

For now, it's bedtime.

It's good to be home

Finally I am home.

It felt good to touch down in KLIA yesterday afternoon. Me and my stiff neck are just not game enough to travel any more. The moment I got on the aircraft, I inflated my travel pillow. I then promptly fell asleep a few minutes after the inflight safety instruction video finished. Afiq teased me about my pillow when he saw me packing it into my handbag. "It's just a 40min flight- you dont need a travel pillow!" I didnt care - my poor neck and shoulders have suffered a lot from the seats.

Gym class tonight. There's also this singles nite thing in Bangsar to which I was invited. I coud go, after gym class. I still remember the last time I joined this mix and mingle event; I said hello to a few people and then I sat quietly in the comfy sofa, sipping my drink. It was fun watching people though. If I could drag 2 more friends to go with me then we get free entry.

Hm. Maybe. Why not.

Type indicator-ed

In Singapore now - in the middle of my training to achieve international accreditation to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tool and interpret the results. What an awesome tool to help improve profit and team effectiveness. And the key gift of MBTI is of course - to help you understand yourself and have a better idea of why you do the things you do and say. Awesome. Did the exam today. Worked out the math - we will pass it if we do not get more than 16 questions wrong.

Agghhh....

I miss home. I miss my gym classes. I miss my punching bag in my living room. I miss my rug. I miss my bed. I miss my friends. I miss my mom and dad. I miss Awang, Intan, Kak Lah and my two nieces. I miss Mawaddah.

I miss my space and the people who make my life sweet.

I'll be home on Wednesday afternoon!!! Cant wait.

The year that was mine

What a year 2006 was.

For me, it was a roller coaster ride. More roller-coaster-y than 2005, for sure.

January saw me in Munich, meeting other Learning n Development Managers from Europe, Americas and a couple of HR managers from the Dubai and China offices. Met the big boss for the first time. Connected also with the man who would eventually become MY manager, Georg. Munich was beatiful in Winter. Sat through a video on Dianetics at the Scientology center. Bought the book - still havent read it :-)

February was the beginning of my search for a new job within my current organization. Lots of emails and phone calls followed. I participated in a Cha no yu for the first time. What an enlightening experience, that Japanese tea ceremony. I've posted my thoughts on that here

March had me traveling again - to Saigon. Interesting city. Opened up to someone for the first time tha I can remember. He picked up on my remark when I said to him that I'd lost my spirit and enjoyment in my job and gently urged me to talk about it, rather than continue keeping things bottled up. It led to a very memorable night. One of the keys to how I saw things and experienced 2006, actually.

April brought me to Singapore. Celebrated my birthday in a training program. Experienced the first of my many bouts of coughs and chest infections that led to Bronchitis. Choked on a huge mother of a lozenge while alone one evening in my hotel room. Fucking scary it was - I felt the thing lodged in my throat, poured water down my throat to wash it down and the water just trickled out of my mouth! I started pounding my own chest like my life depended on it (wait a tic - actually, it did) and the lozenge flew out and fell on the floor in front of me. Funny? Not really. I cried after that, thinking that if I had totally choked on it and died, no one would find out until Thursday evening's group graduation dinner.

May brought me new work. I'd be doing what I normally do, but in a new division. It saw me traveling to Bangkok a couple of times, discussed work details with my new boss, who joined a meeting there. An OK beginning. The month also saw my first experience with a tailor. They did a perfect job. Worth every sen. I wear the suits and shirts to death, and they still look respectable and brand-new. Definitely recommend them to my anyone. I learned more about myself than about anything else throughout this. I had to really be clear about what I want, what I needed, and make tough decisions - should I go for the more expensive fabric that had the right combo of durability, comfort and good looks? Or follow my original budget? I had to ask myself difficult questions: what to sacrifice in order to spend a bit more for the suits? What decisions do I let the tailor make for me? Which ones do I have a say on, no questions asked? I learnt how to listen to customers and asking the right questions. It was more than a day at the tailor for me.

June saw me resuming my romance with Bangkok and Muay Thai training. I was glad to be able to resume training on Thai Kickboxing, even though my legs got pretty busted and scarred from all the kicking drills. Thank goodness for the invention of panty hose - good cover up. Met up with friends who were vacationing, joined them, and had great fun. Love the city. The architecture. The train systems. Chatuchak weekend market. More importantly, DOC. The month also saw me giving myself a personal stretch goal for the first time. 16 hours of GX classes for charity. Miracle event at the gym. I never thought I could last but I did. I really felt I achieved something then. I began to feel that I was finally worth of my own approval.

July was when I landed in Phuket again for another training workshop to run. It was the first (and the last, looks like) time we ran a workshop in full sports gear. We used the lush grounds of the hotel as much as the lovely meeting rooms. Great value for money. They gave me the villa again - but I was feeling restless inside. Kept on thinking and feeling how great the villa would be if I had someone special to share it with. To come home to.

The only thing I remember about August was DOC - contacting me for the first time after Bangkok. We never promised to keep in touch, so it came as a pleasant surprise.

September/October was work, work, work. Was in Munich for a month for a get-to-know-the new team assignment. Strangely, for the first time I question my purpose to be here. To be in this field. To remain in the area of training and development. I felt lost. Confused. Thrown off balance. DOC flew to Munich to spend a weekend with me. We didnt do much - no day trips to Ludwig's castle or anything like that - just a walk in the English Gardens and lunch in Marienplatsz, dinners in the lovely little Italian restaurant on the ground floor of the hotel and lazing around on the couch and in bed watching CNN and BBC (the only channels that were not in Deutsch). We talked a lot. We sat together quietly a lot too. For the first time also I start to ask myself what do I really want in my life and what will I do about it.

November was Hong Kong. It was the graduation dinner of the final management development group; it was the evening where I wore my skirt as a dress cos it got too big and tent-like. It saw me decked out in an LBD and a bit of makeup and simple jewelery, with black stockings and 3" heels. I never knew I could 'do' sexy! *LOL* But if P can be believed, apparently I pulled it off....

December was finally, a relaxed month. I truly enjoyed the 2 weeks I was away from the office. I went to the gym, chilled out, gave my apartment a good fixer-upper, and turned it into my sanctuary. A place I call home. DOC's advice was a good one - mood lighting is necessary to create the right ambience. Christmastime saw a few parties and dates. Met EF - charming and cheeky. Seriously - physical attraction was there. I was surprised - I never thought a man would be physically attracted to me. Never happened before, when I 25kgs heavier that's for sure. And DS - such love and devotion to his woman. I learned a lesson here on how having clarity of vision and how envy would bring me nowhere. Instead of moaning and groaning of how unfair the world is treating singles like me, I decided to be objective, and took a small risk. To never lose hope and faith in love and connection between 2 human beings that create such warmth and tenderness and joy. That helped me be very clear with what I wanted for that one evening. I needed comfort from a friend and DS was there to provide it; bless his soul.

It's January 2007 now, and already I need to put my plan into gear. First, time to get my career on track. Take some risks. Make new friends. Expand my horizons. And live. It's time to live.

Sanctuary, and the aftershock

It was a little after 2 in the morning when C and I left the latest nightspot addition to the Curve. It's one of those 4 concepts-in-1 place spots, called the Sanctuary. It's a South East Asian cuisine restaurant, featuring Thai-style cooking. On the other half of the room it's a pub/lounge, with DJ's spinning the turntable from Wednesdays to Saturdays. In the corner, near the alternative exits (one of those doors with the sign that says PLEASE USE MAIN ENTRANCE) is a tiny ice room (box, rather) called the Ice Bar, that can fit up to 8 patrons in one time. The bar is supposed to be constructed of ice, along with other furnishings. It's not 100% complete, so it'll be better by early next year, I suppose. There are jackets on hangers outside the Ice Bar, with a bouncer guy stationed near the door. From what I saw, if you'd like to get into the Ice Bar, you flag one of the waiters down and tell him how many's in your party. Then, he'll come back and guide you there (remember the 8 patrons max at one time rule?) So it's like having drinks outdoors during icy cold winter, I think. Not sure what the other concept is to the place that makes 4, but then I've never been good all-in 1 products anywho.

DJ was great last night - apparently, Thursdays are ladies nights, with the normal list of complimentary drinks for ladies. I had one sip of the vodka lime and decided to stick to my faithful cola. Felt like I was sipping dishwashing liquid - not that I've ever, but then I dont need to fall out of a plane to have an idea of how it feels, do I? DJ played lots of retro, and the mixes blend into each other nicely; not one of those situations where you're left standing in between songs, guessing what's coming up next. Looking around, I realised that I get get my kicks from learning dance moves to great hits in my gym classes. In clubs, not a lot of dancing happens. Just a lot of gyrating bodies, sometimes bumping into the wait staff and other patrons. But C looked like he enjoyed himself a lot so I just went with the flow.

I first saw him while I was walking back to the car from the Autopay machine. I thought this young man was walking the way he was due to a disability - but the weaving pattern he made was not due to Polio, and C confirmed it when I pointed it out to him. We drove to where the young man was slumped next to a car (it was his, we later found out) and after we found out his name, we (or rather, C did) helped him throw up a bit and cleaned him up. We got him to tell us who to call, and I spoke to his friend, a young woman with a warm voice, Charlene. She asked to speak to him, I told her that we'd stay with him until she got there. In the meantime, the young man, B, was alternating between catnaps and tears. Kept on going on about how useless he was. Poor kid. C did most of the comforting - kept on consoling him that his friend's on his way to get him home and we would stay with him until she arrived. About 40 minutes later, Charlene arrived, with her friend Jessie. Both were polite and very concerned about B. Charlene found B's car keys in his pocket, got the car park coupon and we helped get him into the car. She'd drive him home while Jessie followed in her car that they arrived in. Smart girls.

A few cars passed us while we waited for Charlene. Only 1 stopped to ask if things are ok. The rest just drove past. A security guard rode by on his bike. Gave us somewhat of an evil eye or steely stare, but nevertheless, didnt slow down. Hell - we could have been baddies who beat up that poor kid and were taking a break while he lay there, bleeding internally, for all he cared. I'd like to believe that someone would have stopped and checked B's condition if we had not been there.

I'll drag C into a Body Jam class next time.

Sorted, Guv!

Happy days are on its way. I finished one part of my home re-org. The airconditioning unit was installed in the bedroom yesterday. The installation guys also reinforced the hook on the ceiling for my punching bag. Nice job, for a small tip and a bag of crinkle potato chips. This morning I only took a little bit more than an hour to turn my Queen-size bed to a different side to make way for my work table, bring in the work table and chair, set up my SoHo and have my Maxis wireless broadband up and running. I like the peace and quiet. I wont have to share my desk with C anymore. LOVE THAT. I still have a few things left to do i.e. clean up my walk-in wardrobe next door and fix up the living room a bit. For now I dont feel the pressure because I know the main thing on my list is achieved. I've created my personal space. But I would like to get the living room sorted before I leave for the east coast tomorrow.

What I'm in the spirit to do is to look around for a sturdy and comfy sofa. I remember Farid's recommendation a few weeks ago to source for functional and smart furniture at Cavenzi. There is a showroom near the Centrepoint area, which is close, so maybe I'll pop by there this afternoon.

I really need to go to the gym today. Need to work off the lychee martini, spicy chicken sausages and bloody mary that I guzzled last night at Laundry! Yummy lychee martini, but I think I drank it too fast - I became very lightheaded very quickly after. After gallons of water (until right now, actually) I feel a llittle confident that I wont be woozing my way around so it's time to work the stuff out of my system :-)

Before things get more pear-shaped... he he he

Splurge: Everlast. Save: Oriental

It's been a long time coming, but finally I can cross several things off my list.

I think I've got most of the stuff sorted out - my new red Oriental punching bag will be secured to a strong hook and hung from the ceiling. I've always wanted to use that corner space in the living room and now I can. The electricians will be here on Tuesday to install the new airconditioning unit in my bedroom. The bed can then go back to its original place. I'll move the dresser to a different corner of the bedroom so that my legs wont be pointing towards it when I'm in bed. I'll be able to use my bedside table again - with my bedside table lamp and clock on it, just like before. I can find a lovely, comfy, corner sofa to put in front of the TV - a corner sofa that I can sink into.

I'm leaving the TV in the living room, for sure. If I bring it into the bedroom, my insomnia will never find its cure! I've decided to turn my bed into a haven for sleeping only. No more reading in bed. No more eating in bed - yep, my night bed is also a day bed / sofa for the time being, all achieved with clever use of multi-functional bedcovers - slip the comforter all the way up, over the pillows, place a throw / colorful batik sarong across the bed and va-va-voom! Instant daybed. Before bedtime, take the wrap off, shake/fluff the comforter, fold it back down the lower half of the mattress, and I have my night bed again, for my deep slumber.

I only haven't fully figured out my strategy for the SoHo yet. I dont like to see the criss-crossing wires. I dont like to work from a cramped location, that's why I moved my workstation out to the living room. I think I'll decide on its location once I sorted out the bed and the sofa.

Merry Christmas to me :-)

To the one that got away

I was folding up your letters, unpacking winter clothes
Searching for my hat I thought I left it by the door
So I tore around the room like a bird without a head
I saw your picture waving back at me from underneath the bed
From a long, long time ago
When all I had was a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure
The one that you wore
You loved the look, but you never looked inside
You would have seen me there
You could’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars

I’m trying to live in the present but I keep tripping on the past
Finding out reality, well - clarity comes in drips and draps
No, we never had the time for everything we had
So it felt like we had nothing
That’s what makes this hat so sad
It was a long, long time ago
When all we had was a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure
The one that you wore
You loved the look but you never looked inside...
you would have seen us there, you could’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars

Now whenever I’m alone, and I think I might forget
I wear my lucky hat just like a crown up on my head -

’Cause all I have is a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure, the one that you wore
You loved the look, but you didnt look inside
If you could see me now, you would’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars...

Achtung Baby

We met properly only 6 hours before that party. He's one of B's good friends. Since JJ was the designated driver, the rest of us were all pretty happy to let our hair down and party. We arrived at the first party, a birthday bash, in good time. I enjoyed the gardens most. It was one of those well-manicured grounds with the expensive grass that was sold by the square metre. By 10:30 pm we were lying on our backs, faces turned up to the sky, watching the airplanes race through the thick clouds. A few times, our conversation got interrupted when I'd occasionaly jump up and chase the family's orange tabby cat around, just for fun. A few times, I caught him sitting up looking at me while I was trying to corner the tabby. I remember turning to him once and smiling at him over my shoulder, receiving a warm laugh in response. He said I surprised him with my insightful remarks. I told him he surprised me with his sense of humor - I had thought earlier that he didnt have one :-)

We sat a bit closer to each other in the car, on the way to the farewell party in KL. When we arrived, I was engulfed in Simon's and Marco's bear hugs and when I looked up, I couldnt find him. It was only after almost an hour later, while I was in the middle of a lovely conversation with a lady about our recent travels to Hong Kong that I felt his eyes on me again.

I finally took the advice featured endlessly by women's magazines.

I made eye contact, held it for a few seconds, and smiled.

Then I turned back to the lady I was talking to and continued our conversation. I didnt have to fake anything actually because the conversation was lively and engaging, and I almost forgot about him. He came up to me when Jospehine excused herself to join her boyfriend. Then we chatted. A lot. We made eye contact. A lot. Then we started to move to the music. When he ran his fingers along my collarbone, I swear it gave me goosebumps. Everytime his hands tightened on my waist, I felt like swooning. Honest.

On the way back to his apartment, he held his hand out to me, palm up. I took it. He interlaced his fingers with mine the whole time. We had planned to drop him off at his condo first, but when we arrived, we were all rather tipsy, and our designated driver was rather sleepy. B's idea made sense - instead of dropping off, we'd all go up to the condo and rest for a bit, have some coffee or tea, and then move on to send me home next before him and JJ make their way home.

Somehow coffee and tea turned to schnapps and vodka, but JJ and I helped ourselves to orange juice and water :-) While she took a nap on the loveseat and B smoked his cigarette on the balcony, I rested on the sofa. I felt, rather than saw him sit next to me. His white shirt was unbuttoned. It seemed natural for me to adjust myself to put my head on his lap while I lie on my back with my legs resting on the arm of the sofa.

I would've resisted words, but his touch was so gentle I didnt want to push him away. It's almost 2 years since I lost John to the waves that hit Phi Phi that December. No matter how much I'm told that it's not my fault, I still cant shake the guilt off. It was still my idea to change the destination to Phuket - no circumstance will change that fact. Losing John has made me testy. I didnt want to be close to another man. I couldnt. What I just realised last night was how much I miss being touched. Being gently carressed. When he smoothed my hair away from my forehead, I closed my eyes and closed the compartment in my brain that held my guilt for losing John. Temporary measures, I told myself, and I wanted that touch to continue. I wanted to feel those hands stroking my shoulders, those thumbs gently tracing my shut eyelids, my cheekbones, my jaw. I dont know why the tears came when they did, but I couldnt stop them. I felt his fingers brush my tears away. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I'd expected understanding, warmth, maybe even pity. But I was surprised when I saw sorrow. Deep sorrow and loss. Were there sorrow and loss written in my eyes and his eyes mirrored them?

A long while after that, I heard B ask him if I was ok while JJ went to the bathroom. I heard him reply that I was asleep. I heard him tell B and JJ that he'll send me home in the morning and he'll remind me to call them as soon as I get home. I heard JJ whisper to him to take care of me and ring her if I wanted a ride home from her as soon as I woke up. I must have dozed off after that because the next time I opened my eyes I was already curled up on the sofa, covered in blankets. He was in the other sofa, asleep. When I got back from the bathroom, he was awake, watching me. "Let's get some sleep now ok?" he said.

We woke up at 10:30 this morning. He fixed strong, thick German coffee for breakfast. I cooked pancakes for lunch. We went out to the night market and ate loads of rojak buah for dinner.

It's almost 1:30 am now. He's working on his laptop across from me. If I stretch my neck a bit, I can see my overnight bag and my gym bag on the bedroom floor, where he left them 3 hours ago. He just passed me a handwritten note on the back of an envelope - "Are you driving me to work or shall I send you to your office first tomorrow morning?" . I just slid the envelope back to him with my reply. He's smiling at what I wrote. He's looking at me now - "Let's get some sleep, ok?"

Good night, all.