Just love

A good friend of mine and his girl broke up and he said this: "I jumped into a relationship with the best intentions and they backfired in my face, so i'll just plod on, pick meself up and start again [albeit with a more dubious, cynical outlook than last time. If i've learned anything it's not give yourself too freely and for sure SAVE some of yourself...for yourself."

I wrote back to him and told him this:
Not to give ourselves freely to our loved one presents a bigger risk of regret. How can we be sure that we've given the best we can and lived all the moments in that relationship if we know in the back of our heads that we saved some of ourselves as cushioning, just in case? This does not help to answer honestly these questions:

1. If my he/she had access to all of me / my soul / my self would we have had a more fulfilling relationship?
2. Could I have done more?

Sure, we can answer those questions, but answers that are not completely honest means we are not being completely truthful to ourselves. There's also a potential for the relationship to be a self-fulfilling prophecy (I need to be more dubious and cynical because thats the only way to save my heart from being shattered again). The deep hell of 'what-ifs' is not a place for anyone I care about.

So, just love. Love as wholly as we can. Have faith in our heart's ability to heal. Be harmonious with the fact that we love ourselves and we give all of our heart to build a warm, loving relationship that brings out the best in us. If the relationship doesnt turn out as how we wanted it to, accept the fact and let's be grateful that we have had the opportunity to love and be loved in return.

For at least 2 years I have not loved anyone, I thought I was doing the right thing and my critical, analytical thinking saved my soul from hurt. I was wrong. I forgot about my heart's ability to heal. I did not feel any love because I did not love. I believed that every time a relationship ended, I could pick up my shattered heart from the floor, but the pieces would never be whole again. And that's what happened, because I believed it. I see the truth now. I'm grateful for the vision, because if not, I wouldnt have realised how I let my soul die. And this is as much as a continuous reminder to myself more than me sharing this opinion with you.

Please re-consider your strategy. You are good enough to love and to be loved. There's no need to keep a % of you to you, for you. Separate intentions from behaviour: hate the behaviour, not the person.


I asked for his forgiveness if I was too brash and insensitive in my remarks, I just will not let someone I know go forth with a strategy that I have seen to have more potential to destroy than to heal.

Was I too brash?

I think I have my own thought about this issue

I was watching the PRU 12 results program on TV last night and one academician, when asked by the moderator, "What do you do think about this?" He responded, "I think I have my own thought about this issue..."

As opposed to what? Having someone else's thoughts, perhaps?

I understand the stress of thinking and talking at the same time. The demands of being articulate at all time - aiyoh. So, I may be a bit mean or petty for having a bit of fun here, but please forgive me - I just will not resist the lure, this time.

So here's what I say.

I think I have my own thoughts about things too.

I think someone should take down the posters, now that the election is over.
I think the politicians who have now been forced down should take their families for vacation.
I think the warriors who lost the fight (and lucky enough to keep their heads) should sit down and write (handwritten, not berking computer-printout-ed) thank you letters to their teams who helped them on their campaigns.
I think these books are worth revisiting, even if just for shits and giggles - Jeffrey Archer's The Prodigal Daughter and First Among Equals.
I think the new-elects should grab copies of BBC's Yes, Minister and Yes, Prime Minister DVDs and watch them. Turn the subtitles on to immediately increase your vocabulary.
I think scoring high marks in Sim City should be mandatory for town planners and town council officials. For aspiring castle-building city councillors, their practical exam should be the board game Notre Dame or the RPG Civilizations / Command and Conquer.
I think 4 years would be a good time to start doing some soul-searching.

I think it's time for me to get me an ashtray.
I think it's a good time to change to Marlboro Lights.
Oh, yeah.

I'll bring you along when you're older

After their grandmother died, their mum would go out on her bike every day, once a day. He'd ask her where she went when she returned. She told him that she went out to visit a friend. He would ask her to take him along and every time she would tell him that she'll bring him along when he got older. One day, she brought him along on her bike ride. What a long ride it was. The road was winding and all, through rubber estate and such. Then he saw the lane clearing to their grandmother's cemetary. Her plot was draped with beautiful flowers. So that was their mother's destination, every day, for a year. He was 9 years old then.

Chris and his brothers were on their way back home after they had chosen the plot for their mum's burial when he told them the story. Only then he could cry.

Rest in peace, Mrs Kok.

Let's dance

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - Japanese proverb

I was researching quotes and articles focusing on positive attitude and change, and I found that one. Reading it brought a smile on my face. Wanna know why? It reminded me of a picture I had in my mind. You can see this picture too! Picture it with me; it's Starbucks in the evening. There are a few people in the cafe. Some working on their laptops, some reading, some chatting with friends. All relaxing, nursing a Starbucks beverage in their hands. Customary in any Starbucks cafe, music would be playing in the background. This time, some island acoustic tune is playing. Makes you think of a backdrop of swaying palm trees and hammocks, neh? Now, to this picture of Starbucks cafe that you have in your mind, add to it a few girls in Hawaiian hula grass skirts, gently moving their hips and arms to the rhythm of the music.

Did I see this in Starbucks that one evening? NOPE. What I saw was everything else, except for the girls in the grass skirts. The cafe's patrons were all doing what they were doing, as always. It wasn't a busy night in the cafe then. But what if, though? What if, a few patrons just decided to stand up and sway near their tables, in appreciation of the gentle acoustic guitar, strumming in the background? Would the staff come out from behind their counter and stop them? Would people walking along the corridor outside the cafe stop and stare? Point their fingers at the crazy people and snicker? I'm not sure. I'm not that brave a man to venture and find out...

Aaanyway, I pointed that fact out to Chris when he came to get me. Actually, I moved my arms about my sides in what I had imagined would be a Hawaiian hula girl-style, and gestured to the music, hoping he'd put 2 and 2 together. He did. At least that got a laugh out of him. Hehe.

I will dance in my living room. I will smile even when no one's looking. And I will remember that everything's gonna be all right.

In the meantime, we are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Photo of Sanada-san provided by japan-zone.com

Valuable advice, indeed

I was at zenhabits.net and saw that Leo was having a 100-questions extravaganza. I jumped at the opportunity to get his feedback on something that was on my mind. Below is my question, and Leo's prompt response.
***************

Faz asked: “What’s your advice to someone who’s on her journey to find her true voice and her true self?”

Man, you guys aren’t asking easy ones! There is no right answer here, but here goes:

Listen, experiment, be bold.

Listen, because it’s only when we find quiet in our lives and can get away from the din of the world that we can actually hear our inner voice.

Experiment, because you’ll never know what you’re going to love until you try it. Do a variety of things until you’ve found your passion — or one of your passions, at least.

Be bold, because fear is what stops us from finding our calling, our love, ourselves. Don’t let fear stop you. Laugh in the face of that fear, and be bold.

Good luck Faz! You’re on a wonderful journey.

*****************
And indeed - I believe it too. I AM on a wonderful journey. Thanks, Leo.

Discover Italia!

For quite some time now, I have been fascinated by Italy. The food, naturally, the language, the history, the ruins, the people, the climate, the geography, the architecture - the list is almost endless.

Today's chautauqua is about the importance of having dreams. I feel lifted whenever I think of myself going off to discover a new destination. For the last few years however, I've let the nature of my 3-year work in a German MNC ruin my own vision. During that time, I traveled like nobody's business. I would jet from one time zone to another, and I enjoyed it. At the end though, I associated all traveling with work, and I crippled myself. I couldnt look out the hotel window and think fun thoughts. I would only work, work, work and rush home as soon as I finish my programs, tiring myself out unnecessarily.

No more! I will dare to dream now. I will remember how I planned my first few trips by myself, discovering new cities. I will focus on the joy of having the whole day unplanned - in fact, that WAS the plan - to plan the day as I go along! I will wake up without the alarm clock and do what I want. If I happen to enjoy doing the same thing every morning, I will do just that. I will just be.

And now I will go discover Italia. Prego!

*photo courtesy of www.discoveritaly.com

What am I attracting again?

After a couple of weeks of posting non-chautauqua thoughts, I thought I'd come back on track with one about awareness of one's conscious and sub-conscious decisions - in particular, being aware of the voices in one's head.

A few Mondays ago, I was happily walking from the carpark to my client's office. Note the key phrase 'happily' here ya? While attempting to cross a lane, I accidently twisted and sprained my left ankle pretty bad. After a sharp pain, I continued walking. I had thought then that it was one of my somewhat normal occurence of 'weak-ankling'. However, it's already my third Monday today, and that ankle still hurts something bad. I've been curious about this for a long time now. Why the heck am I still hurting my ankle? What is my secondary gain for getting this injury again and again? Did I make a subconscious decision that people will take care of me more and pay attention to me if I continuously be sick and limp all over the place? I know for fact that I dont do that anymore. I know that the people who care about me just care about me and I dont need to put myself in 'victim mode' to feel loved. I am loved and I'm grateful that I am.

Remembering the Law of Attraction brought my attention to an article by the guy who wrote the book, Michael J Losier (he's coming to Malaysia; I saw a poster with that info in front of Borders Curve earlier this evening - go ahead and Google him). There's this one that mentioned common reasons why you are attracting what you DON’T want. Among them are: Using Don’t, Not and No, Observing What You DON’T want, Limited Beliefs and Talking about what you don’t want. There you go. This is based on the debate that when you send out negative vibes, you attract negative stuff to happen to you. Am I willing my ankle to NOT get better? Aghhhh!!

However, as I'm writing this, I realise something. Aiyoh - must I analyse everything? I was walking too fast probably, at the time, and as I was wearing shoes that I was comfortable with, I probably was not walking carefully enough. That, and I wanted to hurry to get to my client. So I got careless and did not see the unevenness of the lane. So I tripped and sprained my ankle. So what. I'll wear ankle brace, stop doing bodystep class and alternate between steaming and icing it, and I'll be fine. I'll just be more careful next time.

Sometimes, we humans think too damn much.

I love you and I want to have your babies

There I was, my gym card in hand, waiting for the front office person to hand over my designated towels for my workout for the day. He turned around and looked at me (or rather, right through me, from the looks of it) very blankly, and asked:

"Towels?"

I looked deep into his eyes and said:

"No, I'm just standing here to tell you that I love you and I want to have your babies."

AS IF.

Cut back into real life -

I looked at him and nodded, gesturing to my gym card that clearly indicated my type of membership as a towel-deserving-dong-based-on-the-additional-26-ringgit-that-I-cough-out-per-month.

He gave me my towels and I thanked him with an extra sweet smile.

On the treadmill, I entertained myself with other options to answer his question of "Towels?"

1. No - one plate of chicken rice, please
2. No - I need a new gym card with Angelina Jolie's picture on it to replace mine
3. No - mee goreng mamak satu!
4. I dont know - what can I get if I show you my membership card?

and more, but I stop here.

Parted no more

After years of drifting away from each other, they finally got together again. They chatted with each other, reminisced, and spoke about things the way friends who have regained contact after many years of absence do. So many things had changed after 5 years, yet still many things stayed the same. They both looked older, yet the cheekiness in their smiles remained. They were apart for many years and had gone through a lot, but the warm familiarity brought them close, even closer than before. They had both grown up, even though both had declared to never be tempted to even consider becoming mature adults, even if growing old is compulsory.

On the way home, he held her hand tight, their fingers interlaced. They talked non-stop until their voices grew husky and laughed until they had stitches in their sides. He held her in his arms until her breathing deepened to sleep. It was a rainy night, and when the thunder startled her, he stroked her back and soothed her until they both drifted off. In the morning, she awoke before the alarm rang. He opened his eyes and looked across the pillow into her smiling face. He smiled back. He felt like he'd been sleeping with her next to him forever.

Finally he is home. SHE is his home.

Faith healed

Just when I thought I'd managed to lose all faith in the the goodness of human heart, I chanced upon a quote by Ghandi.

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Here's the funny/interesting thing - right after I read that, I felt my forehead soften, making a frown (that I had not been aware of earlier) disappear. My jaws unclenched - I didn't realize that they had been tense before. My eyebrows lifted and the areas around my eyes relaxed. My facial muscles melt into a small smile.

So today's Chautauqua is about healing. I want to remind myself that I am responsible to heal myself, and my subconscious mind is capable of that.

I have been rather negative very recently, without realizing it. Ever since I found myself in the middle of a misunderstanding between a young girl and her beau. She thinks what she has with her bloke is something really special and exclusive, whereas the bloke has always been very publicly clear about how single his matchstick is. Perhaps she believes that he's only keeping his toothbrush in her mug and only hers, when hers is not the only mug that's storing his toothbrush around town. I naturally checked him out the best I could, before rubbing noses with him, but I suppose I girl can go wrong sometimes...

However, it was quite the loveliest month, I must say. Regardless of his charming raconteur ways and slight braggart exterior, when we were alone, what shone through was his gentle warmth and humility. A strong desire to please those with him, an endearing unpretentiousness - perfectly happy to laugh at himself (I had a lot of opportunity to do that, yeh). We spoke on the phone a lot too, and emailed each other when we were not together.

Then the bombshell landed - such harsh words were spoken by someone so young. A seductress, she called me. Such a sad, pitiful, deceitful life, she called mine. For snatching someone that belonged to someone else, she maintained. My innocence? No such thing, according to her.

As much as I thought I didn't give a rat's ass about it, I guess I was a bit bothered by the bitterness. In fact, I'm still a little bit bothered by it.

No - I will go back to Gandhi's quote now. And have a little bit of healing.

Items on my todo list

Chautauqua today is about sharpening the saw; not the horror movie much favored by my friend, Bee - the saw here is our brain, or our soul, depending on how you want to see it. So here are my bookmarked pages, and I will get to reading them as soon as I can. In the meantime, feel free to click on the links because these gems of knowledge benefit everyone! :-)

An introduction to journal writing (why bother, and intimacy issues, among others)
http://www.diyplanner.com/node/878

The 5 types of blog posts that experts write (If you want to be known as an expert in something, you also have to know how present yourself as one. Bloggers who are known experts write in way that enforces that image)
http://www.pureblogging.com/2007/09/10/the-5-types-of-blog-posts-that-experts-write/

10 benefits of rising early (not just what's good about it, but also doable steps on HOW on earth to achieve it, too)
http://zenhabits.net/2007/05/10-benefits-of-rising-early-and-how-to-do-it/

Generating ideas for blog posts (Can you create a notebook full of potential blog post ideas? You betcha)
http://www.pureblogging.com/2008/02/07/blogstorming-generating-ideas-for-blog-posts/

What are you waiting for? Get clicking! :-)

Celebrity or non celebrity?

Today's chautauqua is about Impact.

My task was to source for a speaker that focuses on personal development. There was a 'well-known face' requirement to this task ie it'd be better to find someone who's recognized by the audience. I had been struggling with this a little, until my team leader asked me for feedback regarding a popular speaker. Her question was "was his session impactful?" I think she knew that I didnt think (or more importantly, I didnt feel) that his session was impactful.

So, no more twiddling my thumbs. I spoke to someone I know who's not a TV celebrity, but really knows his stuff. We're talking about achieving maximum impact in the minimum amount of time. He's spot on for the value that I believe is what the audience is looking for, based on their feedback much , much earlier. What's in it for them, you may ask? I say, in this one hour, they will be able to reach inside themselves and hold on to something that inspires them to be positive about THEMSELVES. Hows that for impact. Heh.

Sunday Movie Sunday

After housework, it seemed natural to just veg out on the carpet and cushions in the living room and watch a couple of DVDs. I've been revisiting my bookshelf a lot lately and I thought I'd give the books a rest for the afternoon. Came up with a couple of options after rummaging through my supplies: Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Atonement.
I love the third installment of the Pirates movie. That was the first movie I watched after I graduated from my NLP training. I finally overcame my nervousness of watching a movie thats not Chicken Run. What an experience it was, watching the movie in the the theater - the effects on the big screen - awesome.

Watching it on DVD gave me a chance to relive the script and catch the more subtle messages conveyed by the actors. An eye movement here, a quick glance there. What struck me most was what Captain Teague (Keith Richards' character) said to Jack Sparrow (his son) after they voted for the King of the Brethren Court. I think it went something like this:

Jack (to his father): you've seen it all, done it - you've survived..
Teague: It's not about living forever, Jackie. The trick is, to live with yourself forever.

Stayed with me, that remark.

Many things I have done and some of them I am not proud of. Some actions were misinterpreted. Out of these, there were one or two instances where I stepped up and sought clarification and set the records straight. There were 2 instances where I chose to keep quiet and let sleeping dogs lie. I decided that it was not worth my time and effort. Both of those instances proved to be miracles to me. They became my natural filter of the people I keep around me. They showed me people who cared would want to hear my version of things, to provide a more complete picture. Those instances differentiated between the people who care and those who don't. Those who don't care already decided on which reality they want to believe in. That's all right with me. We all have different channels through which data comes through and become messages that our mind accepts.

Basically, we're all entitled to our own opinions, and I don't grudge anyone theirs.

Now - as for Atonement, that's another story for another time...a story that explores the idea of an act of kindness - could it be cowardice and evasion, viewed from another person's eyes?

Gram better be in heaven now or else all this talk about faith is just a bunch of organized religion bollocks. So there.

Fire in the sky

New year's eve was an intimate affair this year. I accepted Ben's invite and we headed into KL at 6pm. Chris was already there, so he could clue us in on the best option to take to go into Jln Kia Peng, where Fred lives. By the time we got there it was 7:00pm, and the sky looked overcast - I thought it was pawang time and we all hoped the KLCC folks had had a good witch doc working for them last night :-)

We walked a bit to get dinner, and the mood at the hakka place was jovial. There was a group of Japanese people at the table next to us, and they celebrated their own countdown at 11:00 pm, going by Tokyo time, I suppose. After a lovely dinner of chicken, veggies and tofu with rice (it was fun watching Fred's uncle and his friend use the chopsticks, they were good sports!) we walked back to Fred's place. His uncle opened a bottle of the 'best German wine in the world' and we counted down the final minutes of 2007 and toasted 2008 at the patio. Granted, I had my lychee juice (Chris got me lychee juice, God bless his kind soul) in the crystal champagne flute, but hey, it's the thought that counts, innit?

My last view of fireworks display was when Ben and I caught the Merdeka 2006 show at the Curve. Fireworks kinda lost their appeal to me after that, and I wasn't expecting anything that would move me. I'm so glad to be proven wrong. The colours were beautiful and to me it really looked like they were sparks coming from the heavens (or Genting Highlands hehe).

Have a look at the photos, courtesy of William Cheng CC's collection on flickr.

Aren't they awesome?

Fred's uncle and his friend went out shortly after that. We changed into our shorts and sarongs and lounged about the pool, chatting about everything and nothing; basically just enjoying each other's company. So here's a record of our resolutions, just so that my friends can know that I do have a record of them somewhere ;-)

Fred: to graduate (finally) and finish his studies by summer 2008
Ben: to find a great job with the environment that suits him best
Chris: to enjoy the year and make it the best one yet
Faz: to be a great connector of people in her network of friends, colleagues and acquaintances

We got very familiar with the family kitchen (and their 3 refrigerators) and we left Fred's place at 5 a.m. It's Ben's birthday next week, so we'll probably get together again, just before Fred returns to Bonn, I suppose.

I have a good feeling about 2008. I loved 2007 - a bit of a roller coaster in the beginning, but in principal, 2007 was the year where I got healed. I loved being 35, and I'm so looking forward to turning 36 in April. I'm grateful for what I have, and this adds to the good feeling for this new year. Here's a big hug for 2007, and I've got the welcome mat rolled out for 2008!

It takes just 7 steps

Writing a report may look like a tall order, but if you follow the 7-step process below, you should be able to come up with a good report without sweating too badly (unless youre writing it in a room without a fan or airconditioning hehe..)

STEP 1 Study the terms of reference
Know the purpose, scope and audience. Having a clear understanding of the these will help you stay focused and will provide a clue to the kind of language that you need to use in your document.

STEP 2 Plan
Prepare a written plan by allocating time for key activities such as research, writing and reviews. Here's where you create the framework of your report, which normally would have a title, summary, TOC, intro, methodology, findings, analysis, recommendation and appendices.

STEP 3 Research and analyse
List out all the topics on which you will need to collect information. Understand all the measurement and targets that you will use. Interpret data, identify trends, and make sense of all the information you have.

STEP 4 Write the first draft
Insert any illustration, diagram, charts and tables where necessary. Since generally reports need to be presented before anyone reads them, determine whether the report needs to be presented in slides (MS PPT) on top of the written report document. If yes, the first draft would be the slides. Focus on this first. Once this is reviewed and finalized, all you need to do when writing the document is just expand the analysis and recommendations.

STEP 5 Revise
Reports can take as many as 4 to 8 revisions. while revising, ask yourself these questions, for starters:

1. does it serve the purpose?
2. is the info accurate and sufficient?
3. is your measurement logical and correct?

STEP 6 Package it
Make sure the report looks professional and impressive.

STEP 7 Present
Cover the key points and remember to use the language that fits the expectations of your audience.

ENJOY THE PROCESS!

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Walk with me, walk with me...
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?

Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world...

Are you a fox or a hedgehog?

Isaiah Berlin wrote about how the world can be divided into hedgehogs and foxes, based upon an ancient Greek parable: "the fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing."

The fox is a cunning creature, able to devise a myriad of complex strategies for sneak attacks upon the hedgehog. Every day, the fox circles around the hedgehog's den, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. The fox waits in cunning silence at the juncture in the trail. The hedgehog, minding his own business, wanders right into the path of the fox.

"Aha, I've got you now!" thinks the fox. He leaps out, bounding across the ground, lightning fast. The hedgehog, sensing danger, looks up and thinks, "Here we go again. Will he ever learn?" Rolling up in to a tight little ball, the hedgehog becomes a sphere of sharp spikes, pointing outward in all directions. The fox, sees the hedgehog defense and calls off the attack. Retreating back to the forest, the fox begins to calculate a new line of attack. Each day, some version of this battle between the hedgehog and the fox takes place, and despite the greater cunning of the fox, the hedgehog always wins.

Berlin extrapolated to divide people into two basic groups; foxes and hedgehogs. Foxes pursue many ends at the same time and see the world in all its complexity . Compared to the foxes' 'scatteredness' or diffused way of moving on many levels and not integrating their thinking into one overall concept of unifying vision, hedgehogs reduces all dilemmas and challenges to simple (or even almost simplistic) hedgehog ideas. For a hedgehog, anything that does not somehow relate to the hedgehog idea holds no relevance.

I'm ok with the underlying logic behind this story. However, to just be a hedgehog all the time? I'm not so sure. And I'm thinking -
maybe,
not everything is so black and white.
maybe,
the best way is to use what works for each case while at the same time maintaining one core intention or principle that I'll always maintain my integrity in solving what I need to solve.

and maybe, just maybe -
I, too, have the potential to be great.

'Happy' overload

One is married. The other, single. One is approaching mid-30s. The other, in the early 20s. One loves the other a lot. The other, we believe, is in denial. They have slept with each other a couple of times; the first time was accidental, and the second, more intentional than we all may think. When they turn on their lovely-dovey mushiness (baby talk from one, nipple-tweaking - also from the same one) I feel like scooping out my insides with a spoon. Sometimes I would listen to happy moments shared. Other times, I'd be privy to hurtful words and moments of despair. I suppose this is part of the life of a member of a certain fitness gymnasium where these two, among many others, are welcomed, admired and feel comforted.

I guess Hallmark channel got it right with their tagline of "Life is Drama". Right now, I can do without these ones...

Moving forward

Yes, me and BB have parted ways. It's time to move on :-)