The living must continue to live

It's been rather a turbulent month-and-a half.

So many emotional roller-coaster rides. They were all my choices though. No one twisted my arm behind my back or knocked me on the head to make me acquiesce. I realize that now. That helps to put things in perspective.

I don't really feel comfortable about moaning a break-up in a relationship with a guy while a few thousand miles away, mothers mourn the deaths of their babies and children screamed in pain at loss of limbs, amputated without anesthesia, in order for doctors to save their young lives.

I'm blessed. And I still have hopes.

So I leave you with the words of Martin Luther, quoted by Martin Luther King, Jr. -

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces,

I would still plant my apple tree.”

Lupe Fiasco featuring Matt Santos - Superstar

The first time I heard Matthew Santos here, I thought I was listening to Ryan Tedder - it has a OneRepublic-ish groove about it. Which is very interesting, cos when I heard him on Shadows in a Shoebox and My Remedy, he sounded rather different. I enjoy Superstar though. Very much.

Feel like singing along? Here you go.

If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the camera's here
And the microphones
And they wanna' know oh oh oh, yeah

Yeah, uh
A fresh cool young Lu'
Tryna' catch his microphone check 2, 1, 2
Wanna' believe my own hype but it's too untrue
The world brought me to my knees, what have you brung you?
Did you improve on the design? Did you do somethin' new?
Well ya' name ain't on the guest list, who brung you?
YOU! The more famous person you come through
And the sexy lady next to you, you come too
And then it hit me
Standin' outside of heaven waitin' for god to come and get me
I'm too uncouth
Unschooled to the rules and too gumshoe
Too much of a newcomer and too un-cool
Like Shadow and Lavelle, I battle wit' it well
Tho I need holiday like lady who sung "Blue"
Go back, whatever you did you undo
Heavy as heaven
The devil on me, two ton's too

If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the camera's here
And the microphones
And they wanna' know oh oh oh oh, yeah

And ya' better wear ya' shades
The spotlights here can burn holes through the stage
Down to the basement pass the Indian graves
Where the dinosaurs laid
Then out through shinin', nearly miss the airliners
Magnified times five, 'less its pointed at the ryhmer
Ricochets off the moon and sets the forest ablaze
Now that's important to say
'Cause even with all that most of us don't want it to fade
We want it to braid, meaning we want it to grow
Meaning we want it to stay
Like the Governor called and he told him to wait
Un-strap him from the chair and put him back in his cage
The audience ain't fazed
And they ain't gon' clap and they ain't gon' praise
They want everything back that they've paid
'Cause they've been waitin' since ten to see the lights get dim

If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the crowd is here
And the lights are on
And they wanna show oh oh oh, yeah

So chauffeur chauffeur come and take me away
'Cause I've been standin' in this line for like five whole days
Me and security ain't getting' along
And when I got to the front, they told me all of the tickets were gone
So just take me home where the mood is mellow
And the roses are grown, M&Ms are yellow
And the light bulbs around my mirror don't flicker
Everybody gets a nice autograph picture
One for you and one for your sister
Who had to work tonight but is an avid listener
Every song's her favorite song and mics don't feedback
All the reviewers say "You need to go and see that"
And everybody claps 'cause everybody is pleased
And then they all take the stage and start performin' for me
Like, ha ha ha ha ha, Ha ha ha ha ha.Ha

If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the camera's here
And the microphones
And they wanna' know oh oh oh yeah

If you are...what you say you are
Then have no fear

Lesson, quoted

While reading about chess moves last night, I came across this in SS Quah's blog and I'd like to share this with you all. Thanks, SS.

******************************

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you wan t.

FOUR. When you say “I love you”, mean it.

FIVE. When you say “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask “Why do you want to know?”

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

I'm about to go analyze some data now, so I'll come back to this later. Cheers!

MACHO ke MANGKUK? Meh sini I bagi tau...

MM Still nak maintain macho ye? Even after I have specifically, clearly, explicitly informed that with me, no such acts are necessary!

Marah? Memang lah marah! Menyampah pun ada.

Nak tau tak macho tu macam mana? Meh sini I cakap macho tu macam mana, from ONE WOMAN's point of view. Ladies, if you don't agree with me, sorry lah - this is just MY point of view. Gents, if you don't agree with me, stop reading RIGHT NOW. I don't give a rat's ass this one time.

Here goes.

Taking her hand (or holding out your hand so that she can take it) and holding her hand while crossing the road? MACHO.
Crossing the road without glancing to see if she's still next to you or is left waddling behind you 200 effing meters away? MANGKUK.

Offering to take her shopping bag from her and carrying it for her (even for a short while)? MACHO.
Cracking jokes about how come you're still holding YOUR shopping bag instead of HER
holding it for you AND letting her carry YOUR shopping bag? MANGKUK tu.

Holding her hand when she's ill or calling her to find out how she's doing and sounding like you mean it (even if you don't really care that much and you're more concerned about the goal that your favorite soccer team was supposed to score at the time)? MACHO.
Txting her 'so?how u now? ok or not?' and NOT offering to see her when she needs someone to talk to after her medical checkup? MANGKUK.

Offering to take her on a picnic or a day trip to cheer her up cos she told you she needs a quick break and she's been a grumpy bitch for the longest time? MACHO.
Tarik harga and punishing her by not calling and txting her for 3 days or something cos she's been a grumpy bitch for the longest time? MANGKUK lah...

Making breakfast for her cos she's MUCH MORE cheerful after breakfast, even if it's just a cup of coffee or one piece of bread with a glass of water? MACHO.
Asking her 'Eh? You never make breakfast for me ah?' and laughing like it's the funniest joke you've made, AFTER she ironed your shirt for you? Effing MANGKUK, dude.

Slowing down your pace when you're walking together so that you CAN walk together? MACHO.

Leaving her trailing behind in the neighboring district cos your giraffe-length legs need to

maintain your manly stride? So the MANGKUK, ok?

and at the top of the dungheap,

'MESSIN WIT' HER HEAD' when she humbly asked you not to? MANGKUK la, MANGKUK!!!

Notes:
Mighty Mouse image courtesy of theanimationartgallery.com. And no, my MM tag does not refer to sweet Mighty Mouse.

My hero, Danger Mouse's image courtesy of i108.photobucket.com

...barefoot in the sand, motorbiked 'round the island

Can you schedule something spontaneous?

At least I think that's what happened.

For several weeks now I had been feeling rather out of sorts with work. A project that I am taking care of, that's supposed to be my baby, has reached a plateau and I just lost interest in driving it. Coupled by a few more urgent and important assignments that need my input, I just let the original content project slide. I almost snapped at everyone every time, and MM has not been much of a help, acting macho with me when he didn't need to; he looked as attractive to me as the punching bag I have hanging from a ceiling hook in my living room. Honestly. MM, if you're reading this, YOU KNOW who you are. So I decided that I will go for a weekend retreat. Something soothing, something nearby, something that would not burn a hole in my pocket.

Last weekend, I just couldn't wait any longer. I was getting grumpy at every little thing and every time I stood in front of my dresser mirror, I see myself in a bathing suit, about to head into the sea. I mentioned my plan to my travel buddy and upon mutual agreement, we left on Saturday, on our road trip to Lumut. The ultimate backup plan was to check out Lumut, use the return ferry trip to check out Pangkor, then surf around Sitiawan, Sri Manjung, maybe even Teluk Intan, before returning home to KL. So, regardless of what Lumut and Pangkor had to offer, accomodation-wise, we would be ready, and we'd have a great time anyway.

Both Lumut and Pangkor had reasonable accomodation for us, and we checked into Hotel Putra in Lumut. Grimy bathroom and the rooms smell like broom cupboards. I never was one to spend long evenings in hotel rooms anyway (unless I was staying in Bangkok's Royal Orchid Sheraton and Sheraton Laguna Phuket) so I had a lovely time exploring Lumut. The shops, the interesting hotel signs, and a nice chill-out pub named Rockafellas.

Adik, who recommended Rockafellas, managed the camp that would be our accommodation on Pangkor Island. I loved it! I had so much fun and for once, I found it difficult to leave the cool waters of Nipah Bay beach.

It was a good weekend, and now I'm back, ready to drive the project again, and be nice again to MM. Heh heh heh..

Mission accomplished

Got my ice kacang.

Had 2, in fact - one before dinner in Lumut and the other, featured here, after a long walk along Nipah Bay. Cooling, refreshing, invigorating. And I wasnt just talking about the ice kacang.

A well-deserved break, for sure!

Power my search? You betcha

Still in Starbucks in Borders in the Curve.

Flipping the pages of Clay Shirky's Here Comes Everybody, and feeling rather let down by the book. It came so highly recommended. I wanted to understand communities that share similar anchors, and how personal motivation can meet collective productivity. He promised insights to 'the power of organizing without organizations', but the more I read the book, the more I feel that I could glean more from Gladwell's Tipping Point. The songs playing in the background remind me of Karen Carpenter's voice, and I suddenly remembered a movie that I watched when I was 7 or 8 years old - the title song from that movie sounded like Karen Carpenter singing something like 'bless the beast and the children' - that tune, just that one line, has played in my head for almost 30 years now. The movie also moved me a lot, I recall. It was something about boys, summer or army camp or something, and lots of running. There were animals too, but to me, the movie was about friends. (Yeh - I was 7, but by that time, thanks to my mum and dad and the sisters in St Theresa's Kindergarten, I was already bored from reading the Straits Times and Mad Magazine. Heh.

Back to the future, or present, depending on your perspective.

I turned to my good friend Google and looked for the song or movie with the words. Then I found it - it WAS a song by the Carpenters, and the movie was also of the same title! I looked it up in imdb.com and found it - the 1971 production of Bless the Beasts & Children. Plot summary is as follows, thanks to Patrick King.

"A group of adolescent boys, placed in a summer camp by their otherwise too busy parents, find themselves unable to fit in and are soon branded as bedwetters by their fellow campers and unsympathetic counselor. After their counselor exposes them to what they perceive as a cruel slaughter of corralled bison, these misfits are soon drawn to a common purpose to break free of their camp and free the bison. On their way to free the bison, individual flashbacks reveal the relationships each has with his own family and give insight to their reasons behind wanting to set the bison free. Karen and Richard Carpenter's singing of the title song occurs now and again throughout the movie to underscore the the drama."

The movie was directed by Stanley Kramer, who also directed Judgement: the Court Martial of the Tiger of Malaya - General Yamashita. He had also directed Sydney Poitier, Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy in the 1967's Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Wow.

More importantly for me, my almost 30-year-old mystery is now solved.

What would I do without Google & imdb?

Do judge a bookshelf by the covers...

Just put in my special order for Coelho's 'Eleven Minutes'. Had time to spare so I browsed leisurely. Looked through the shelves, including the Borders' recommended fiction and non-fiction volumes. Walking back to my table in Starbucks with my browsing copy of Toyota Way, the realization hit me. Recently, I see many paperback fiction covers are designed with the fonts, images and color schemes that are reminiscent of Coelho's books (esp By the River Piedra I Sat and Wept, Like the Flowing River and the Zahir). And, many non-fiction books, especially business / management / marketing / communications ones, have covers of similar color schemes with Jim Collins' Good to Great.

Is there some literary agent machination out there that did consumer interviews and found some sort of preferred color combination that just compel people to pick up a hitherto unknown book, associate it with the more successful books from Collins or Coelho or Picoult or Welch, and have a light bulb go off in their heads and straight away head to the cashier to ring the purchase?

What wonders, one wonders.

...and HOW EXACTLY has patriotism among youth declined significantly?

Patriotism: "devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty."

- American Psychological Association (APA):patriotism. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved April 13, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/patriotism

*********************
Monday April 14:
2008 Govt study: Youngsters just ain’t patriotic By IAN MCINTYRE

BACHOK: A recent Government study has revealed that patriotism levels among youth in the country have declined significantly and if left unchecked, could lead to serious consequences for nation building.

Youth and Sports Minister Datuk Ismail Sabri Yaakob said the revelation has forced the ministry to re-look its policy on how to engage youth.

The Government has admitted it has lost the support of youths and has been unable to reach out to the technology-savvy generation, he said. “We need to adapt to changing needs and lifestyles. For starters, we need to re-instill patriotism in youths regardless of their ethnicity or religious backgrounds,'' he said during his inaugural working visit to the east coast state. Earlier, he held dialogues with youth department officers and non-governmental organizations (NGOs) at the youth skills institute here.

Ismail said the ministry would now be “result-orientated” with a specific goal of restoring confidence among the young in the Government. This would include the ministry setting up its own blog as well as channeling funds directly to all youth associations, including youth-based NGOs in the country.

“We have decided to reduce bureaucracy. From now on, all funding for youth NGOs and associations will come directly from the ministry. “We would ensure the grassroots have funds to conduct activities for youths,” he said. Character-building programmes that instil patriotism are also needed to shore up support among youths, Ismail said.

*****************

I wonder, which specific parts of patriotism would be instilled into the youth, 'regardless of their ethnicity and religious background'. I'm sure the powers that be are aware that a patriot can also be described as a person who regards themselves as defender, esp of individual rights, against presumed interference by the federal govt. Not my own words, mind you. Go ahead and dictionary.com it and you'll be able to see for yourself.

I'd like to hear the youths' point of view on what does patriotism mean to them. Do they have the same images in their minds as I do? Perhaps they also see that the opposite of being patriotic can be described by the words treacherous, backstabbing, faithless, miserly or selfish.

How would our youths view the 'result-oriented' specific goal of restoring confidence in the Government among the young, as quoted in the article? What element are we focusing on, to restore confidence in? I am too old to be naive, to young to be cynical. Even then, if I were to be asked to have confidence in a body, to re-instill patriotism in my heart, I want to see a body that's honorable, incorruptible, dependable, public-spirited, unselfish.

When I was in school, it was a tradition for the 5th formers to circle the dorm and school blocks at midnight on Merdeka day. When it was our turn, my fellow form-mates and I gathered at the netball court with our lanterns. At the stroke of midnight, we started to sing the National Anthem. Being rather far from each other, our voices sounded soft and reedy in the beginning. Then, somehow, they became stronger, and the words became clearer too, all the way until the end of the song. I don't remember much of what happened after that. What I do remember is, for the first time, I heard not just the voice from my voice box, but also the voice from my heart. I felt the words for the first time. And I knew then, if I need to drop everything to defend my country, I would, and I would defend my homeland even with my bare hands.

This is a love that goes beyond 'ethnicity and religious background', and I wish the MORONS would just stop using that phrase. For me:

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku

Rakyat hidup bersatu dan maju

Rahmat bahagia Tuhan kurniakan

Raja kita selamat bertakhta.

Always.

Being pragmatic or settling for less?

Her latest update, via email:

"He'll be 40 in September, very much a BOY in a grown man's body. I've known him for years and we started dating each other exclusively for a couple of months now.

Us in a snapshot? He calls me 'his girl' and I call him 'my guy'. Some of his friends know me from before also, so I assimilate in group outings easily, as the 'big brother's GIRL'. he's very protective of me, and once, even threatened to take me home straight away when we arrived at a pub and I removed my jacket to reveal a halter neck dress that made me look like a sex symbol. Heh heh. I pouted, he relented. Sex later was bedhead-against the wall-poundingly awesome, I was sore for the whole weekend, honey.

ah but then I digress.

Basically, I wanted 1 man to focus on for the time being and he was there. I suppose he wanted 1 girl to focus on, no complications.

Quite honestly though, connection is not deep. soul mates we are not. It's all right, though. I have a feeling that we both, somehow, chose this option.

I decided to say yes to him when he said 'but I'm not sharing you with any other man' because he was clear about that, and because he committed to me that he won't date other women when I told him I "ain't too crazy about sharing you with other girls, yo" :-)

Once, we went out and ran into a few of my own friends. one of them is a guy that I had connected with before. We shared tears, laughter, dreams, fears, even ourselves, stopping short at sex. He smoldered the whole evening, watching me and my guy. Truthfully, I said yes to my guy because the one whom I believed would be happier spending his life with me, decided to listen to his logical brain and not to his heart.

You must think I've settled for less. At first, I thought so too. Then I decided to stop thinking about it. I've given it enough thought. I'll just live. For now.

The most important thing is -

we always use protection. Heh heh heh"

Immediate action needed

Something short, something sweet, something economical, and I'm not even talking about me.

I'm talking about a nice little getaway, a trip near to home. About sipping ABC and watching the world go by at Lumut waterfront. The ferry ride to Pangkor Island, walking around the markets, just walking around in general.

Yeh - immediate action indeed.

The End.

And just like that, he dumped her. Unceremoniously, too. The bastard.

Pedagogical Pop features Say (All I Need)

My friend, Yoga, commented that the lines that struck a nerve with him were -

Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

His comment prompted us both to look at the meaning of the words here. I then realized that, to me, this OneRepublic song is uplifting, instead of depressing. An internal chat, rather than questions I ask someone else; definitely not a lament of a broken soul.

When I listen to this song, I feel like I'm sitting down by a river or in a Japanese garden, listening to a dialog between my logical brain with my heart.

You see, sometimes something happens and the brain says "wait a tic - this doesnt make bloody sense" . Then she gets a little bit loopy and forces me to decide on the next step purely from a logical point of view. At the end of the day though, my brain is not happy. That's why she asked:

Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong,
but nothing's turned out how you wanted

I feel like my brain is asking my heart for advice, or even criticizing her for being somewhat naive, and telling her off; to 'get real'. My heart says -

Bless my soul,you're a lonely soul,
cause you won't let go of anything you hold
Well, all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

My heart quickly follows up with her questions too -

Do you know what your fate is,
And are you trying to shake it
You're doing your best and your best look,
You're praying that you make it

I believe in the linkage between my heart and my logical brain. My heart asks my brain to believe in the link between them. This link is important for me to maintain my inner harmony. To always remember that living this life is most meaningfully done through doing the right things and doing things right. That's the reason why I find this song uplifting, instead of depressing. It's about hope. It's about moving forward in life. It's about living my life and discovering the purpose of ME. My heart again encourages my brain to trust the link by asking, gently -

Whenever the end is,
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there, go on -
go ahead and scream it.
Just say.

My heart is saying to my head that they both are on the same side. The highest purpose of both my heart and my brain is to take care of me. And that's the message I get from this song. That's why it cheers me up every time.

Foolishness, thy name is the Malaysian education system

She graduated in the top 10% of her class, earning her a First Class Hons. Degree. Then she went off to the Promised Land – a premiere telecommunications company that is well-known in the country and the immediate surrounding areas. Shortage of salespeople, they told her, so in she went and began her 8-year bonding period with her employer. She’s in her 4th year now. Performance evaluation shows that she hasn’t been performing. Not meeting expectation, she’d told. A brilliant scholar, they told me, so I naturally I was curious. What a dynamic, pulsating brain she must have, I thought; limitless capabilities of processing logic, defining possibilities, designing multiple options for solutions to complex problems and all that shite. Her friend asked me to talk to her. I reminded her friend that she must be the one asking for help, but her friend insisted that I pop by for a chat. I had time on my hands, and I was only meeting MM much later for dinner, so I met up with the brain box for a chat. And what a chat it was…

Me: So, you’ve been here for almost 4 years, ya?
(She nods)
Me: How do you feel about this place?
She: I like it here. I want to stay in this organization.
Me: Right. What do you like about this place?
She: It’s a secure job. Lots of benefits. I can be sure of a good retirement package when I’m done with work.
Me: A – ha. How do you feel about your current role?
She: I hate it.
Me: What do you hate about it?
She: I’m not good at it. I don’t know how to be a salesperson. Every time I go for performance review I get a bad experience. I’m never meeting expectations. Every year I wait for a vacancy announcement in the technical area so that I can request a transfer but I never hear anything. I give up already.
Me: That sounds tough.
(She nods)
Me: You really want to go into the more technical line, huh?
(She nods again)
Me: So…what are you doing about it?
(She looks up, startled)
She: About what?
Me: About getting into a more technical line of work in this same organization.
She: Didn’t you hear what I said? I waited for the vacancy announcement every year and there’s none! It’s really not about what you know in here, but about WHO you know. How can YOU not see that?
(She reminds me of a lioness about to go hunting)
Me: Other than waiting for the announcement every year, what else are you doing about it?
(She remains silent)
Me: Did you discuss your dismal performance with your boss?
(She resorts to glaring at me)
Me again: Did you identify your own development plan? Did you propose action plans to your boss? Did you inform your boss what could be done to help improve your performance? What did your boss say about your continuous, consistently bad performance? What role are you playing in your sales team? What’s the purpose of you being there?
(Her ears are almost as red as her face)
She: It’s HIS responsibility to develop my career! I shouldn’t be telling him how to do his work!
Me: How would this look like to heads of technical departments? What would you think this would represent?
She: It would represent me being unhappy in my current work and I’d only be happy in a technical line that suits my honors degree.
Me: What if I tell you this picture could be representing something totally negative?
She: How can that be? I’m a techie, and so are they! They would know that a techie like me would be unhappy doing Sales, and that’s why I suck at it.
(I decided to move in for the kill. Better put this cretin out of her misery now.)
Me: What this picture is showing them could be this: you have no interest in learning something new. There is no flexibility at all in your behavior no initiative at all to venture into something new no creativity at all to discover how else to use the excellent brain that you’ve been given that helped you gain the best result in your exams. Rather than take the lemons that you’ve been given and make lemonade you sit and whine and handed over the power of choice to other people. They might be thinking how can I trust this person with the tough techie work in my unit if she can’t even handle Sales? How can I leave her to work independently and/or with the rest of the team like a well-oiled machine when at the slightest downturn she gives up everything and will in fact bring the whole team down?
( I didn't even pause. No comma throughout, just a question mark at the end)
She: How would you know anything? You know nothing about me! You have no idea what I went through!
Me: That’s right. I don’t. Then you tell me how wrong my estimate is about the kind of image that you’re presenting to head of tech divisions.
(She actually glowered at me then)
She: So what should I do then?
Me: What do you WANT to do?
She: Get a techie job.
Me: So, what are you doing about it?
She: You’re supposed to tell me that. Aren’t you some sort of life coach or something? Some coach you are, if you come here and ask questions and expect ME to come up with the answers.
Me: Now this picture is representing not only stubbornness but a preference for spoon-feeding.
She: So you're giving up too? Guess even you can’t handle someone like me, right? I knew that you were some bogus wannabe coach or something.
(I got up and looked at her. Poor kid. I'm not angry, just calm and relaxed.)
Me: I only work with people who want to work out their issues, who are ready for change, who are ready to release whatever inside them that are holding them back. People who recognize that if doing what they’re doing doesn’t give them the results they want, it’s worth to change what they do until they get the results they want. I show them the potential paths forward and they decide where to go. Until you are mature enough to know what I’m talking about, I wish you good luck and take care. If you need to talk, call me.
She: What makes you think that I would want to talk to you?
Me: Because surely you're not as silly as you make yourself out to be now, are you?

I thanked her for her time and walked out of the lounge area. At the lobby, I smoked a Gudang Garam while watching MM's car come up the driveway. I tossed the rest of the pack to him when I got in the car. He leaned over to kiss my cheek and asked me who I met. I paused for a bit, got a new piece of chewing gum out and popped it in my mouth.

I had met the typical output of the Malaysian education system, I told him.

He grinned. "Poor baby," he said. He kissed me on my forehead, pocketed the Gudang Garam pack, put the car in gear and drove me off to dinner. Yeh. Poor baby, I said in my heart, thinking of the young woman I left sitting in the lounge.

He finally found her

Remember him? Well, after more than 5 years, he finally found her. When he asked her, she listened to her heart. Her heart didnt say much. Her heart just said, "we're in sync. Life is our classroom. Let's learn." So she replied - "What took you so long?" He threw his head back in laughter, lifted her off her feet and into his arms for a long hug. When they kissed, they realised that they BOTH had found each other. This is meant to happen now, not 5 years ago.

And it's all right.

Just love

A good friend of mine and his girl broke up and he said this: "I jumped into a relationship with the best intentions and they backfired in my face, so i'll just plod on, pick meself up and start again [albeit with a more dubious, cynical outlook than last time. If i've learned anything it's not give yourself too freely and for sure SAVE some of yourself...for yourself."

I wrote back to him and told him this:
Not to give ourselves freely to our loved one presents a bigger risk of regret. How can we be sure that we've given the best we can and lived all the moments in that relationship if we know in the back of our heads that we saved some of ourselves as cushioning, just in case? This does not help to answer honestly these questions:

1. If my he/she had access to all of me / my soul / my self would we have had a more fulfilling relationship?
2. Could I have done more?

Sure, we can answer those questions, but answers that are not completely honest means we are not being completely truthful to ourselves. There's also a potential for the relationship to be a self-fulfilling prophecy (I need to be more dubious and cynical because thats the only way to save my heart from being shattered again). The deep hell of 'what-ifs' is not a place for anyone I care about.

So, just love. Love as wholly as we can. Have faith in our heart's ability to heal. Be harmonious with the fact that we love ourselves and we give all of our heart to build a warm, loving relationship that brings out the best in us. If the relationship doesnt turn out as how we wanted it to, accept the fact and let's be grateful that we have had the opportunity to love and be loved in return.

For at least 2 years I have not loved anyone, I thought I was doing the right thing and my critical, analytical thinking saved my soul from hurt. I was wrong. I forgot about my heart's ability to heal. I did not feel any love because I did not love. I believed that every time a relationship ended, I could pick up my shattered heart from the floor, but the pieces would never be whole again. And that's what happened, because I believed it. I see the truth now. I'm grateful for the vision, because if not, I wouldnt have realised how I let my soul die. And this is as much as a continuous reminder to myself more than me sharing this opinion with you.

Please re-consider your strategy. You are good enough to love and to be loved. There's no need to keep a % of you to you, for you. Separate intentions from behaviour: hate the behaviour, not the person.


I asked for his forgiveness if I was too brash and insensitive in my remarks, I just will not let someone I know go forth with a strategy that I have seen to have more potential to destroy than to heal.

Was I too brash?

I think I have my own thought about this issue

I was watching the PRU 12 results program on TV last night and one academician, when asked by the moderator, "What do you do think about this?" He responded, "I think I have my own thought about this issue..."

As opposed to what? Having someone else's thoughts, perhaps?

I understand the stress of thinking and talking at the same time. The demands of being articulate at all time - aiyoh. So, I may be a bit mean or petty for having a bit of fun here, but please forgive me - I just will not resist the lure, this time.

So here's what I say.

I think I have my own thoughts about things too.

I think someone should take down the posters, now that the election is over.
I think the politicians who have now been forced down should take their families for vacation.
I think the warriors who lost the fight (and lucky enough to keep their heads) should sit down and write (handwritten, not berking computer-printout-ed) thank you letters to their teams who helped them on their campaigns.
I think these books are worth revisiting, even if just for shits and giggles - Jeffrey Archer's The Prodigal Daughter and First Among Equals.
I think the new-elects should grab copies of BBC's Yes, Minister and Yes, Prime Minister DVDs and watch them. Turn the subtitles on to immediately increase your vocabulary.
I think scoring high marks in Sim City should be mandatory for town planners and town council officials. For aspiring castle-building city councillors, their practical exam should be the board game Notre Dame or the RPG Civilizations / Command and Conquer.
I think 4 years would be a good time to start doing some soul-searching.

I think it's time for me to get me an ashtray.
I think it's a good time to change to Marlboro Lights.
Oh, yeah.

I'll bring you along when you're older

After their grandmother died, their mum would go out on her bike every day, once a day. He'd ask her where she went when she returned. She told him that she went out to visit a friend. He would ask her to take him along and every time she would tell him that she'll bring him along when he got older. One day, she brought him along on her bike ride. What a long ride it was. The road was winding and all, through rubber estate and such. Then he saw the lane clearing to their grandmother's cemetary. Her plot was draped with beautiful flowers. So that was their mother's destination, every day, for a year. He was 9 years old then.

Chris and his brothers were on their way back home after they had chosen the plot for their mum's burial when he told them the story. Only then he could cry.

Rest in peace, Mrs Kok.

Let's dance

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - Japanese proverb

I was researching quotes and articles focusing on positive attitude and change, and I found that one. Reading it brought a smile on my face. Wanna know why? It reminded me of a picture I had in my mind. You can see this picture too! Picture it with me; it's Starbucks in the evening. There are a few people in the cafe. Some working on their laptops, some reading, some chatting with friends. All relaxing, nursing a Starbucks beverage in their hands. Customary in any Starbucks cafe, music would be playing in the background. This time, some island acoustic tune is playing. Makes you think of a backdrop of swaying palm trees and hammocks, neh? Now, to this picture of Starbucks cafe that you have in your mind, add to it a few girls in Hawaiian hula grass skirts, gently moving their hips and arms to the rhythm of the music.

Did I see this in Starbucks that one evening? NOPE. What I saw was everything else, except for the girls in the grass skirts. The cafe's patrons were all doing what they were doing, as always. It wasn't a busy night in the cafe then. But what if, though? What if, a few patrons just decided to stand up and sway near their tables, in appreciation of the gentle acoustic guitar, strumming in the background? Would the staff come out from behind their counter and stop them? Would people walking along the corridor outside the cafe stop and stare? Point their fingers at the crazy people and snicker? I'm not sure. I'm not that brave a man to venture and find out...

Aaanyway, I pointed that fact out to Chris when he came to get me. Actually, I moved my arms about my sides in what I had imagined would be a Hawaiian hula girl-style, and gestured to the music, hoping he'd put 2 and 2 together. He did. At least that got a laugh out of him. Hehe.

I will dance in my living room. I will smile even when no one's looking. And I will remember that everything's gonna be all right.

In the meantime, we are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Photo of Sanada-san provided by japan-zone.com

Valuable advice, indeed

I was at zenhabits.net and saw that Leo was having a 100-questions extravaganza. I jumped at the opportunity to get his feedback on something that was on my mind. Below is my question, and Leo's prompt response.
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Faz asked: “What’s your advice to someone who’s on her journey to find her true voice and her true self?”

Man, you guys aren’t asking easy ones! There is no right answer here, but here goes:

Listen, experiment, be bold.

Listen, because it’s only when we find quiet in our lives and can get away from the din of the world that we can actually hear our inner voice.

Experiment, because you’ll never know what you’re going to love until you try it. Do a variety of things until you’ve found your passion — or one of your passions, at least.

Be bold, because fear is what stops us from finding our calling, our love, ourselves. Don’t let fear stop you. Laugh in the face of that fear, and be bold.

Good luck Faz! You’re on a wonderful journey.

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And indeed - I believe it too. I AM on a wonderful journey. Thanks, Leo.