I pray for the courage to tell him this one day

Went on a 50mm walk, originally uploaded by faz k.

"Don't let the imaginary person in your head keep you from loving the real one right in front of you."

When life puts you in an empty coach, make pictures!

district 9 and a half, originally uploaded by faz k.

All right - perhaps a rather lame attempt at that 'making lemonade from the lemons life gave you' line, but what the heck - I think you know what I mean ;)

Of course it's tough making your way along this world by yourself. We smile and nod when people tell us to 'chin up - you're never alone' yet wish sometimes they don't say these things. They mean well, and so do we when we find ourselves saying the same things to others.

I'm sure you've seen or at least heard of the slideshow that likens this life to a train journey. You get people come on board and sit with you in your train coach. They get off at their stops & other people board the train and join you. There are stretches of that journey when you're by yourself. That's ok. That's the 'me' time that you can use to hold a mirror up to see deep inside you. Have you been good travel companions? Have you shown interest in your travel buddy's journey? How much have you listened to the stories from other people in your train coach? Has it been a good trip from them too? Sure, you poke them a bit when their snores get too loud (it's an overnight train) but do you get rattled when they prod you because your snoring kept them awake some other nights?

When you're done looking into the mirror, put it down and look out the window. There's still a whole wide world out there to see. Your train's still on track, chugging along. Enjoy the trip, and make pictures as you go along. They're your memories.

Pic info: taken with my James (EOS 500D), 1/125sec, f4.0, 18mm focal length on my 18-55mm kit lens, ISO 200.

Get personal, just don't take it personally.

IMG_0820, originally uploaded by faz k.

I shot this self-portrait 9 days after I got my EOS 500D, James.

Looking at this photo, I found it funny how the only time I can look directly into the camera lens is when a part of my face is covered. This brings me to an apprehension that impacts my choice of photograpy subjects. I tell myself that I prefer inanimate objects instead of humans. One day, my subconscious mind asked back, "what is it about humans that make you avoid them as subjects?"

I allowed my mind to answer, and the revelation surprised me with its honesty. It was a deep-seated feeling that I never belonged anywhere, with anyone. As a child, I looked different from my cousins, and I believed it when my mother implied that I lack grace; very much like a bull in a china shop. I had been a chit-chatty little girl, until I was admonished with "little childen should be seen & not heard". I hid in closets & cupboards, scribbling in my note book conducting conversations in my head where everyone around me would pay rapt attention to what I said. In my teens, my mother reminded me many times that the appropriate time for me to join a conversation would be when I have my own family.

I realise now how this has impacted me as an adult. I was slow to suggest or give opinions for fear of being rejected, not included, and ridiculed. I agreed with the majority even though personally I know there was a better solution. I also shied away from portraiture photography because I convinced myself that I'd just be intruding the potential subjects. I had masked my fear of connecting with a warped sense of reality that I preffered buildings to people.

I realise that now, and have been moving forward since 2 years ago, post NLP certification, when I achieved breakthrough. And now, I'm ready to be more aware of the beauty of moving forward and explore. More specifically, to explore the interesting world of portraiture photography. My beloved buildings can wait :-)

Picture taken 9 June '09, EOS 500D 18-55mm kit lens, f/5.6, 1/4sec, ISO1600, focal length 49mm.

Finally the sun sets on the perfect picture

_MG_3860, originally uploaded by faz k.

From Paulo Coelho's Warrior of Light
******
Things as they are.

Of course things don’t always happen they way we wish they would. There are moments in which we feel we are seeking something that is not meant for us, knocking on doors that don’t open, waiting for miracles that don’t manifest themselves.

Fortunately that is the way things are – if everything went the way we wanted, soon we would no longer have anything to write about, nothing to guide our daily thoughts. This script serves our dreams as nourishment, but to our battles as energy. And as it always happens with the warriors that spend all their energy in the Good Fight, there are moments in which it is best to relax and believe that the Universe is still working for us secretly, even if we cannot comprehend it.

And so, let us allow the Soul of the World to fulfill its mission, and if we can’t help, the best way to collaborate is to pay attention to the simple things in life; the sunset, the people in the street, the reading of a book.

However, in many cases, time continues passing and nothing exceptional happens. But the true warrior of light believes. Just like children believe.

Because they believe in miracles, the miracles begin to happen.

Because they are certain that their thoughts can change their lives, their lives begin to change.

Because they are certain they will find love, this love appears.

Sometimes they are disappointed. Sometimes they feel hurt.

Then they hear the comments, “you are so naïve!”

But the warrior knows it is worth the price. To each defeat, there are two conquests in his favor.

In an interesting and diminutive book called “The Breviary of Medieval Knights,” there are some passages that have to be remembered in these moments of waiting:

“The Path’s spiritual energy uses justice and patience to prepare your spirit.”

“This is the Knight’s Path. An easy and hard path at the same time, as it urges us to let aside useless things and relative friendships. That is why, at the beginning, we hesitate so much to follow it.”

“This is a Knight’s first teaching: you will erase everything you wrote up to now on your life’s notebook: turmoil, insecurities, lies. And in place of all that, you will write the word courage. Beginning the journey with this word and going on with faith in God, you will arrive where you need to arrive.”

Even so, sometimes we keep on waiting – with patience, resignation, courage – and still, things around us don’t move. But since this is the path we chose, it seems impossible that life’s blessings are not working in our favor. It provokes, therefore, a deep reflection about what we call “results:” our destiny is manifesting itself in a way we are not able to fully comprehend . Jorge Luís Borges wrote a masterly short story about this issue.

He describes the birth of a tiger that spends great part of its life in the African wildness but ends up being captured and taken to a zoo in Italy. From then on, the animal thinks his life has lost sense and there is nothing left to do but wait for the day he dies.

One fine day, poet Dante Alighieri passes by this zoo, looks at the tiger, and the animal inspires a verse – in the midst of thousands of verses – of “The Divine Comedy.”

“The entire battle for survival that tiger went through was only so that it could be at the zoo on that morning and inspire an immortal verse,” says Borges.

Just like this tiger, we all have a reason – a very important reason – to be here, at this moment, this morning.

So relax. And pay attention.

Serenity - or holding on to the ledge with one's fingertips as calmly as possible

Face From Angkor, originally uploaded by vincenzooli.

It's been a tough week, surprisingly.

I had been struggling with a new aspect of my work that involves marketing activities. I thought it would come natural to me, honestly I did. Did I overestimate my own capabilities? I'm not sure. One thing I AM sure is how much I love content design & development. I don't need to struggle to get the big picture before I work on a paragraph. I just know when to skim and where to scan for the right level of insight needed to be spot on. I'd see pictures in my head like multiple pop-up windows. But get me to make a phone call to confirm an appointment, the palms of my hands break into cold sweat. Oh dear.

Am I too complacent and just want to stay in my area of content development - writing articles, designing methodologies & approaches, reviewing processes etc - until I can't see myself doing anything else? I don't think so. I want to stretch myself more in that area. Developing structure and content in other medium, presenting ideas in different ways. Put me in a solitary cubicle with no one around me and I'd be happy. I'd be serene, even.

Then I saw this photo, and vincenzooli kindly gave me his permission to blog it when I wrote to him. I love his travel pictures. This one in particular, helped me to relax.

And today I wrote to my boss. First, an update. Last, a confession that I'm at loss to handle this marketing stuff. Not sure what she'll say to me - she'd probably sit me down & discuss this. She'd probably share with me her point of view. That'd be fine. I've been so comfortably expressing myself in writing the last two weeks I'm not sure if I can think and talk at the same time, though.

Wish me luck. In the meantime, enjoy vincenzooli's Face From Angkor.

When does getting up close become getting too close?

Do these come from a real peacock?, originally uploaded by faz k.

It took me a while to digest the 'get too close to the trees and you can't see the forest' saying. While acknowledging the idea in that saying, I am aware that I do need to get close to something to see it clearer. Like in photography, for instance - Robert Capa said, 'if your photos are not good enough, you're not close enough' - or something close to that.

I think we just need to recognize the point where getting up close equals getting too close. Because, even in making pictures, we need to fill the frame. However, if we keep on zooming in, there's a point where we can't see anything but a blur. That's when we zoom out a little, and then we'd see the picture that we need to make. Or the action we need to take in order to get the best result.

Photography. Very much like creating solutions for issues in other aspects of life too, no?

Picture taken with my Canon PowerShot SX100 IS, 1/8 sec, f/3.5, focal length 14.4mm, ISO 80.

Sweet dreams are made of these

_MG_3779, originally uploaded by Faz K PSPJ.

The sampan was made by hand and transported from Pulau Duyung, Terengganu, the announcer said.

Putrajaya was bursting with colors during Floria 2009. I took this shot on late Saturday afternoon. It was still very hot and bright, even though the long shadows showed me that it was close to sunset. I was at the foot of the Millenium Monument and turned around towards the lake. The whispering leaves of the trees welcomed me. I immediately sat down on the lush green grass and felt calmer, cooler. I wanted to capture the dreamy feeling I had, so I decided to use the tree branches to frame the small boat. It took me 12-13 frames to make sure that I got the boat where I wanted it to be. And now, I can look at this photo and transport myself back to that moment on a late Saturday afternoon where I was in my own little world, right there in the shade of the trees by the Putrajaya lake.

Photo details: taken with the EOS 500D on AV mode, 1/500sec, f/4.5, 25mm focal length, ISO 100, +2 EV

Even I think things have gone too far, Pt 1

IMG_3745, originally uploaded by Faz K projects.

Dalam satu video baru-baru ini, seorang menteri:
- mempertahankan kemungkinan ada ikhtiar penapisan internet
- memaklumkan beliau hanya akan menjawab soalan tentang Merdeka 52 tahun sahaja
- menegaskan tidak akan ada tolak-ansur dalam memastikan pornografi kanak-kanak sifar

Dalam video ini, seorang menteri menjegilkan matanya sambil menggunakan nada suara yang sinis, menegur seorang wartawan yang menggunakan bahasa Inggeris dalam soalannya. Kesima aku. Sungguh tak sangka seorang menteri yang aku pernah hormati waktu kanak-kanak mengendalikan sidang akhbarnya sebegitu rupa. Sombongnya dia. "where were you educated? can't speak bahasa at all", "chakap oreang putey"... berjayakah pendekatan begini menimbulkan rasa hormat terhadapnya dan maklumat yang disampaikan? Hampas yang amat menghampakan. Kalau dia nak wartawan tu rasa segan, mungkin teguran secara lembut dapat menyampaikan maksud yang tersirat dengan lebih baik, kesan yang lebih mendalam. Contohnya: "Bukankah kita dalam sidang akhbar promosi Merdeka 52? Marilah kita gunakan bahasa kebangsaan hari ini.." Tak payah jegil-jegil mata, ya tidak?

Aku belajar dalam negeri. Dari St Teresa's Kindergarten Kuala Terengganu sampailah ke Universiti Utara Malaysia Sintok. Aku selesa berbahasa Inggeris - mak ayah aku dah biasa berbahasa Inggeris, Kebangsaan, loghat Kelantan, Terengganu, Pahang, Batak (bapak aku lah) dan semua itu dengan harapan anak-anak mereka mampu bercakap untuk minta tolong kalau sesat di tempat orang - tak semua orang tahu loghat Terengganu, mak aku ajar masa aku belum akil baligh dulu.

Mujur mak ayah aku ajar kami sebaik mungkin. Kalau tak, aku mungkin jadi macam beberapa lepasan Universiti tempatan di lokasi sedikit luar Lembah Kelang yang bukan berasaskan pertanian yang duduk letaknya dekat-dekat rumah bapak saudara aku tak jauh dari hutan simpan Bangi. Aku pernah temuduga budak-budak lepasan U ini masa aku 'berkecimpung' (bergelumang sebenarnya) dalam dunia HR beberapa tahun lepas. Aku semak semua jawapan. Secara bertulis dalam borang yang bukan dalam bahasa kebangsaan tu - tak menjawab soalan. Secara lisan? Malang. Koyak rabak ayat dan perenggan masing-masing. Daripada geram aku rasa macam nak tempeleng depa, aku terus jadi tak sampai hati. Waktu aku tengok muka graduan-graduan tu, aku seakan boleh dengar dalam batu jemala tu bunyi enjin - dengar bahasa inggeris perempuan ni cakap-terjemah dalam bahasa kebangsaan-terjemah balik dalam bahasa inggeris-buka mulut-jawab. Sakit, aku rasa, duduk dalam bilik temuduga dengan aku. Aku tengok muka depa berkerut-kerut pun aku rasa sakit.

Mungkin aku ni emosi sangat. Mungkin aku patut ucap tahniah kepada menteri ni. Nak sangat semua orang fasih berbahasa kebangsaan. Nah, ambik. Berkoyan-koyan lepasan universiti tempatan sekarang tidak berbahasa Inggeris. Tidak mampu? Tidak diajar? Tidak pandai? Lebih mendaulatkan bahasa kebangsaan? Tepuk dada tanya selera.

Mendidih jugak darah aku, membuak-buak, waktu tengok video ini. Kemudian aku terkenang cikgu-cikgi yang berhempas-pulas ajar aku dari masa aku 4 tahun ikat rambut tocang dua sampai lah dewasa andartu sekarang ni. Kalau tak sebab depa bertungkus lumus pastikan aku faham semua bahasa yang depa ajar aku, tak boleh lah aku 'menjawab' masa konsultan mat saleh perli sahabat sekerja aku yang sama-sama baru macam aku masa aku mula-mula kerja dulu sambil sahabat aku tu terkebil-kebil macam ayam berak kapur. Tak bolehlah aku jawab balik mangkuk yang kutuk aku dalam bahasa jerman dalam keretapi masa aku assignment kat Munich dulu. Tak bolehlah aku tangkis ejekan staf hotel masa aku kerja kat Beijing beberapa tahun dulu.

Memang bahasa kebangsaan sangat penting. Sebahagian dari jiwa kita. Kita rakyat Malaysia; aku pun meluat beruk kalau ada cerita orang-orang yang tak pandai berbahasa kebangsaan tambah lagi kalau orang tu macam aku, ada cop 'rubber stamp' dalam paspot antarabangsa sejak kerja saja, bukan sejak masa belajar. Pokoknya, SEMUA BAHASA penting. Sudah tentu termasuk bahasa isyarat dan Braille, terutama kepada pihak yang memerlukannya.

Pada aku, keupayaan untuk berkomunikasi dengan lancar lebih penting. Dalam apa bahasa yang perlu sekalipun. Mendaulatkan bahasa kebangsaan tidak sepatutnya bermakna bahasa lain diperkecilkan. Tidak sama sekali. Itu bodoh sombong namanya.

Mungkin kita semua perlu jadi bodoh sombong. Eh tak, aku rasa tak. Aku tak mau. Mak ayah dan cikgu-cikgi aku tak ajar aku macam tu.

p.s.

BTW - aku tengok dalam kamus kesima = dumbfounded. Aku kira lebih kurang macam 'gobsmacked' lah tu. OK lah ya?

Even I think things have gone too far, Pt 2

_MG_3803, originally uploaded by faz k.

The question behind the question is, what am I going to do about it?

Vijay wrote on Eddie's wall that ultimately, what's sad is that we can go on ranting & nothing may change. I can't quite argue with that statement, because I feel the rakyat have been hurt & disappointed and I'm not sure if they can handle the frustration much longer without resorting to some sort of emotional detachment or even worse, apathy. What's the impact of that then? We'd all probably stop trying our hardest and best, and just walk around, existing rather than living, waiting for the next thoughtless decrees that are outcomes of improper planning; to be retracted later by someone of the higher power. The good cop bad cop ploy and the tail wagging the dog do come to mind.

On Saturday, I joined a reccy trip to Putrajaya to prepare for our PSPJ outing the next day. It was late afternoon when I snapped this photo.

First, I felt sheer delight in hearing the children's joyful laugh and seeing the colors around me. Suddenly, I was gripped by fear. Fear of being mediocre, unconsciously teaching the children around me that it's ok to just follow directions without knowledge of the destination and of the purpose being served. That the best thing to do is to never ask questions, never discuss things that could be considered as taboo. They might as well get lobotomized immediately after their birth - special package price, 2-in-1 circumcision AND lobotomy, no?

NO. NO WAY.

If things move this way our children will inherit a world full of mediocrity. And we'd be guilty of that because we allowed fools with consistent verbal diarrhea to invade our thoughts with senseless statements and directives.

That's when Vijay's comment re-surfaced. And I realised that nothing can change if I don't be the change that I want to see. I looked at this photo again and then I heard it - my wake-up call from indifference and hopelessness. I will strive to be good and do right. To add meaning to my life and the people that I impact. To have faith in my own abilities and continue learning to improve my strengths. So what if there are people in powerful positions, even ministers, who continue to blunder their way around. They can make all the stupid remarks they want. I have faith that at some point, way back perhaps, their intentions were good. I have faith that my friends and loved ones are smart people who will not follow blindly. So those people can carry on. So si Luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya. Biarkan, biarkan, bloody biarkan.

Maybe I will still rant once in a while, but I will definitely continue to fight the good fight.

Because change begins with me.

Kepercayaan. Faith.

_MG_3829, originally uploaded by faz k.

Millenium monument, during Floria 2009, August.

The obelisk-like monument has carvings on its body to depict the Rukunegara, or National Principles, which is based on 5 guiding principles.

In full, it's read:
MAKA KAMI, rakyat Malaysia, berikrar akan menumpukan seluruh tenaga dan usaha kami untuk mencapai cita-cita tersebut berdasarkan atas prinsip-prinsip yang berikut :

KEPERCAYAAN KEPADA TUHAN
KESETIAAN KEPADA RAJA DAN NEGARA
KELUHURAN PERLEMBAGAAN
KEDAULATAN UNDANG-UNDANG
KESOPANAN DAN KESUSILAAN

The literal translation from Wikipedia follows:

NOW THEREFORE WE, the people of Malaysia, pledge to concentrate the whole of our energy and efforts to achieve these ambitions based on the following principles:

BELIEF IN GOD
LOYALTY TO KING AND COUNTRY
THE SUPREMACY OF THE CONSTITUTION
THE RULE OF LAW
COURTESY AND MORALITY

I think the main key here is KEPERCAYAN. Faith. People of power can say whatever they want, sometimes they don't make sense to me. But they will never take away my faith in God and my faith in me.

Yeah. What Randy said.

Sometimes, borrowing other people's words help to explain more clearly what I mean. Today, I will borrow Dr Randy Pausch's words, from his book, The Last Lecture.

"The questions are always more important than the answers."

That's so true - because I believe the best answers are the ones that hits you between the eyes like a hockey puck although not as hazardous; stuff that you realise yourself. I tend to answer questions by asking questions, especially at work. I love to see the A-HA! moment when the realisation dawns on people's faces that they have found a great potential solution to their issue. The ownership is there, and after the eureka moment, there's a spring to their step as they go off to tackle their to-do-list monster.

There are also the people I work with who do not respond well to this approach. Then I will see their face redden a little while they furrow their eyebrows and roll their eyes. Stop being too pedantic, they tell me. Just give a straight answer, they say. When I can, I do. When I see a good opportunity to learn by teaching and exploring together, I'll go it my way.

"Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. You’ve got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff isn’t going to work."

Many times I struggled with things because I didn't see the big picture. Didn't ask the question behind the question. Didn't have my own EUREKA! moment of the general idea before rushing off to plan activities and take actions. Remembering Randy's statement here calms me. I have renewed strength in my decisions that relate to this statement. Like not buying a DSLR within the next 60 days because I'm just having too much time learning the fundamentals on my Powershot SX100 point-and-shooter.

However, there are times when I confess I may have deliberated too much because of a skewed perception of what forms fundamentals. Sometimes I don't see the line between analysis paralysis and I then end up not doing the nike (read: just do it). I don't have many regrets, but there are at least 2 actions that I should have taken within the last 24 hours that would have put me on a different path than where I am right at this moment. But no. I mistakenly thought I was still in data-gathering mode that will end once I feel I have enough to grasp the fundamentals. I forgot that data-gathering mode is a continuous process in most cases. And now, I'll never know what could have been, and perhaps I never will.

"My colleague told me: "It took a long time, but I finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."

This one's funny. Funny weird and funny ha-ha. I just have one important thing to mention here. Based on what I've experienced, no matter how much their words appear to contradict their actions, they'll still find a way to tell you that they don't really mean what they did, it's what they say that matters. And no amount of crying will change that.

"When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."

Can you give up on someone permanently, though?

"Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting."

I thought I could do that. I didn't realise the cost of waiting. Maybe someone should write about that.

"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have and you may find one day that you have less than you think."

I know I said I'd wait. I didn't know that it's so easy to get comfortable with the routine and some would never come round to realising that what they're looking for is right there, in front of them. My bags are packed and I am ready to take off on the next part of the journey. If you don't feel that it's worth your time to take the initiative and just touch the sky with me, then so be it.

So be it.

Saudade, Vol 2

Based on A. F. G. Bell's book 'In Portugal', 1912 , one might make a strong analogy with nostalgia as a feeling one has for a loved one who has died and saudade as a feeling one has for a loved one who has disappeared or is simply currently absent. Like someone you love who went out for a walk along the beach and never came back; you long for every approaching shadow to prelude his or her return, I suppose.

Here's the idea that sparked my exploration into the difference and/or integration of nostalgia and saudade:

"From the beginning he'd consumed liquor only to get drunk. That was half of the equation. The other was the haunting sense that something fundamental to his happiness, his wholeness, been taken from him. When sober, he couldn't name it." [He remembers a trip to Lisbon with his first wife who is a fashion designer.] "...her buyer there...had taken the Parkers out for a night of fados. Fate songs. ... He asked the buyer what the lyrics meant, and the man explained , 'Saudade, my friend...the presence of absence.' "

SOURCE: "Cry Dance" (Kirk Mitchell)

Several days ago, a friend left a comment on this image on my flickr stream that said 'this is a powerful image'. I was curious to what that means - powerful in what way? To me, this image strikes at my core. I still feel like I'm been punched in the center of my chest whenever I look at this photo. But, almost like a glutton for punishment, I return to it repeatedly. Rather like getting injured in kickboxing practice to feel the external aches that match the agony of the internal lacerations.

This image describes the presence of absence that is inside my heart; the moment just before a tear breaks away from my eyelashes and drops onto my cheek; my memories of conflicts caused by past decisions that were taken purely out of urgent necessity.

I'm beginning to realize that this image does not only represents anguish, it also represents hope and growth.

Growth? Like roots to the trees, providing a base and nourishing nutrients: I'm reminded that I am responsible to continue living and learning. My own snapshot of the priceless value of BEING the change that I want to see in the world.

Hope? Like looking forward to the brilliant blue sky that will take over once the rain clouds are gone: perhaps the same being that feels and even inflicts pain (no matter how unintentional) can also brighten up and create joy in their own little corner of the world.

It's about how much we all need to continue fighting the good fight. We all need to be who we are (even if we're described as not soft-spoken and demure), be aware of who we want to be (maybe NOT demure *LOL*) and balance the exploration of these two paths in order to get the best combination of traits that'll help us on the journey to be a good human being.

It's about soldiering on, no matter how tough things may seem, and how bleak the situation looks. It's a reminder to me, first and foremost. It's about aiming for something and going for it, while at the same time accepting the idea that if it's not yours, it could be because someone else needs it more, or you're destined for something else; having faith that every step takes you closer to where you want to (and need to) go.

To me, that's what this image is all about. What does it mean to you?

*the photo's on my flickr stream, http://flickr.com/photos/fazk

My Nipah Bay alternative

It was Sunday afternoon. I was recovering from a flu bug. I was not cheered up at the prospect of a 2-hour LDF class in FF Menara Axis. I felt restless and rather oddly depressed, which was pretty rare for me. I had planned to be in Pangkor that weekend, but I canceled the plan due to the bug. After a quick consultation with Chris, we got in the car and started driving. We ended up in PD, and I had a lovely afternoon there.  

Sometimes, all you need to do is just get in the car and drive.

2008: the year of mortality?

I just saw that I have 4 farewell posts for this year alone. I finally said farewell properly to my gram and I also wrote about the deaths of Chris's mum, Tan Sri Eric Chia and Prof Randy Pausch. I felt a little bit sad and I thought I'd ring my friend, Dr. Ng, to say hi. He was at his desk and we had a quick chat regarding our mixed feelings on 2008. He didn't sound too hot either; usually he'd be very happy to hear from me. One thing for sure though: he's still alive, and as per his reminder to me, so am I. The living must continue to live. That thought brought my first real smile to my face today. I must admit, waking up thinking that I NEED to be at my desk by 8:30am every weekday morning or else I have to sms the big boss does not make me jump out of bed in delight. I suppose I'm just not too happy with the fact that being at my desk at 8:30am does NOT guarantee that I leave at 6:00pm on the dot.

Wait a second - of course it does. With proper planning, I can make it happen. Now this is getting interesting.

I feel a bit more cheerful now. I'm not yet too thrilled about giving up my Friday to finish my work in the office. I used to have the option of working off site for Fridays. It was a different kind of freedom knowing that I had created that time-off option for myself for the last 6 months. In fact, my employer still owes me 2 Fridays. I'll send in my time sheets and plan for those days.

I'm dreaming of the seaside again. I'm going back to Bangkok next February, God-willing. Until I can plan a quick beach weekend, there's always Ramesh's beach birthday party in Attic this weekend, and there are always my flickr Pangkor photos and my post on the lovely weekend.

In the meantime, here are my toes in the sand. Nipah Bay, I will return.

Pedagogical Pop features Say (All I Need)

My friend, Yoga, commented that the lines that struck a nerve with him were -

Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it

His comment prompted us both to look at the meaning of the words here. I then realized that, to me, this OneRepublic song is uplifting, instead of depressing. An internal chat, rather than questions I ask someone else; definitely not a lament of a broken soul.

When I listen to this song, I feel like I'm sitting down by a river or in a Japanese garden, listening to a dialog between my logical brain with my heart.

You see, sometimes something happens and the brain says "wait a tic - this doesnt make bloody sense" . Then she gets a little bit loopy and forces me to decide on the next step purely from a logical point of view. At the end of the day though, my brain is not happy. That's why she asked:

Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong,
but nothing's turned out how you wanted

I feel like my brain is asking my heart for advice, or even criticizing her for being somewhat naive, and telling her off; to 'get real'. My heart says -

Bless my soul,you're a lonely soul,
cause you won't let go of anything you hold
Well, all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

My heart quickly follows up with her questions too -

Do you know what your fate is,
And are you trying to shake it
You're doing your best and your best look,
You're praying that you make it

I believe in the linkage between my heart and my logical brain. My heart asks my brain to believe in the link between them. This link is important for me to maintain my inner harmony. To always remember that living this life is most meaningfully done through doing the right things and doing things right. That's the reason why I find this song uplifting, instead of depressing. It's about hope. It's about moving forward in life. It's about living my life and discovering the purpose of ME. My heart again encourages my brain to trust the link by asking, gently -

Whenever the end is,
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there, go on -
go ahead and scream it.
Just say.

My heart is saying to my head that they both are on the same side. The highest purpose of both my heart and my brain is to take care of me. And that's the message I get from this song. That's why it cheers me up every time.

Let's dance

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance." - Japanese proverb

I was researching quotes and articles focusing on positive attitude and change, and I found that one. Reading it brought a smile on my face. Wanna know why? It reminded me of a picture I had in my mind. You can see this picture too! Picture it with me; it's Starbucks in the evening. There are a few people in the cafe. Some working on their laptops, some reading, some chatting with friends. All relaxing, nursing a Starbucks beverage in their hands. Customary in any Starbucks cafe, music would be playing in the background. This time, some island acoustic tune is playing. Makes you think of a backdrop of swaying palm trees and hammocks, neh? Now, to this picture of Starbucks cafe that you have in your mind, add to it a few girls in Hawaiian hula grass skirts, gently moving their hips and arms to the rhythm of the music.

Did I see this in Starbucks that one evening? NOPE. What I saw was everything else, except for the girls in the grass skirts. The cafe's patrons were all doing what they were doing, as always. It wasn't a busy night in the cafe then. But what if, though? What if, a few patrons just decided to stand up and sway near their tables, in appreciation of the gentle acoustic guitar, strumming in the background? Would the staff come out from behind their counter and stop them? Would people walking along the corridor outside the cafe stop and stare? Point their fingers at the crazy people and snicker? I'm not sure. I'm not that brave a man to venture and find out...

Aaanyway, I pointed that fact out to Chris when he came to get me. Actually, I moved my arms about my sides in what I had imagined would be a Hawaiian hula girl-style, and gestured to the music, hoping he'd put 2 and 2 together. He did. At least that got a laugh out of him. Hehe.

I will dance in my living room. I will smile even when no one's looking. And I will remember that everything's gonna be all right.

In the meantime, we are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

Photo of Sanada-san provided by japan-zone.com

Valuable advice, indeed

I was at zenhabits.net and saw that Leo was having a 100-questions extravaganza. I jumped at the opportunity to get his feedback on something that was on my mind. Below is my question, and Leo's prompt response.
***************

Faz asked: “What’s your advice to someone who’s on her journey to find her true voice and her true self?”

Man, you guys aren’t asking easy ones! There is no right answer here, but here goes:

Listen, experiment, be bold.

Listen, because it’s only when we find quiet in our lives and can get away from the din of the world that we can actually hear our inner voice.

Experiment, because you’ll never know what you’re going to love until you try it. Do a variety of things until you’ve found your passion — or one of your passions, at least.

Be bold, because fear is what stops us from finding our calling, our love, ourselves. Don’t let fear stop you. Laugh in the face of that fear, and be bold.

Good luck Faz! You’re on a wonderful journey.

*****************
And indeed - I believe it too. I AM on a wonderful journey. Thanks, Leo.

What am I attracting again?

After a couple of weeks of posting non-chautauqua thoughts, I thought I'd come back on track with one about awareness of one's conscious and sub-conscious decisions - in particular, being aware of the voices in one's head.

A few Mondays ago, I was happily walking from the carpark to my client's office. Note the key phrase 'happily' here ya? While attempting to cross a lane, I accidently twisted and sprained my left ankle pretty bad. After a sharp pain, I continued walking. I had thought then that it was one of my somewhat normal occurence of 'weak-ankling'. However, it's already my third Monday today, and that ankle still hurts something bad. I've been curious about this for a long time now. Why the heck am I still hurting my ankle? What is my secondary gain for getting this injury again and again? Did I make a subconscious decision that people will take care of me more and pay attention to me if I continuously be sick and limp all over the place? I know for fact that I dont do that anymore. I know that the people who care about me just care about me and I dont need to put myself in 'victim mode' to feel loved. I am loved and I'm grateful that I am.

Remembering the Law of Attraction brought my attention to an article by the guy who wrote the book, Michael J Losier (he's coming to Malaysia; I saw a poster with that info in front of Borders Curve earlier this evening - go ahead and Google him). There's this one that mentioned common reasons why you are attracting what you DON’T want. Among them are: Using Don’t, Not and No, Observing What You DON’T want, Limited Beliefs and Talking about what you don’t want. There you go. This is based on the debate that when you send out negative vibes, you attract negative stuff to happen to you. Am I willing my ankle to NOT get better? Aghhhh!!

However, as I'm writing this, I realise something. Aiyoh - must I analyse everything? I was walking too fast probably, at the time, and as I was wearing shoes that I was comfortable with, I probably was not walking carefully enough. That, and I wanted to hurry to get to my client. So I got careless and did not see the unevenness of the lane. So I tripped and sprained my ankle. So what. I'll wear ankle brace, stop doing bodystep class and alternate between steaming and icing it, and I'll be fine. I'll just be more careful next time.

Sometimes, we humans think too damn much.

Celebrity or non celebrity?

Today's chautauqua is about Impact.

My task was to source for a speaker that focuses on personal development. There was a 'well-known face' requirement to this task ie it'd be better to find someone who's recognized by the audience. I had been struggling with this a little, until my team leader asked me for feedback regarding a popular speaker. Her question was "was his session impactful?" I think she knew that I didnt think (or more importantly, I didnt feel) that his session was impactful.

So, no more twiddling my thumbs. I spoke to someone I know who's not a TV celebrity, but really knows his stuff. We're talking about achieving maximum impact in the minimum amount of time. He's spot on for the value that I believe is what the audience is looking for, based on their feedback much , much earlier. What's in it for them, you may ask? I say, in this one hour, they will be able to reach inside themselves and hold on to something that inspires them to be positive about THEMSELVES. Hows that for impact. Heh.

Moving forward

Yes, me and BB have parted ways. It's time to move on :-)