I pray for the courage to tell him this one day

Went on a 50mm walk, originally uploaded by faz k.

"Don't let the imaginary person in your head keep you from loving the real one right in front of you."

Sweet dreams are made of these

_MG_3779, originally uploaded by Faz K PSPJ.

The sampan was made by hand and transported from Pulau Duyung, Terengganu, the announcer said.

Putrajaya was bursting with colors during Floria 2009. I took this shot on late Saturday afternoon. It was still very hot and bright, even though the long shadows showed me that it was close to sunset. I was at the foot of the Millenium Monument and turned around towards the lake. The whispering leaves of the trees welcomed me. I immediately sat down on the lush green grass and felt calmer, cooler. I wanted to capture the dreamy feeling I had, so I decided to use the tree branches to frame the small boat. It took me 12-13 frames to make sure that I got the boat where I wanted it to be. And now, I can look at this photo and transport myself back to that moment on a late Saturday afternoon where I was in my own little world, right there in the shade of the trees by the Putrajaya lake.

Photo details: taken with the EOS 500D on AV mode, 1/500sec, f/4.5, 25mm focal length, ISO 100, +2 EV

Been busy, yes. Been a little bit ill too.

But most importantly, have been working on my stuff for the KLue Urbanscapes 2009 @ KLPAC, under the KLickr group. Didn't go to the one last year, and this year's program looks smashing.

More updates coming up when I have them. In the meantime, check out the urbanscapes page at http://www.urbanscapes.com.my

See you there.

Yeah. What Randy said.

Sometimes, borrowing other people's words help to explain more clearly what I mean. Today, I will borrow Dr Randy Pausch's words, from his book, The Last Lecture.

"The questions are always more important than the answers."

That's so true - because I believe the best answers are the ones that hits you between the eyes like a hockey puck although not as hazardous; stuff that you realise yourself. I tend to answer questions by asking questions, especially at work. I love to see the A-HA! moment when the realisation dawns on people's faces that they have found a great potential solution to their issue. The ownership is there, and after the eureka moment, there's a spring to their step as they go off to tackle their to-do-list monster.

There are also the people I work with who do not respond well to this approach. Then I will see their face redden a little while they furrow their eyebrows and roll their eyes. Stop being too pedantic, they tell me. Just give a straight answer, they say. When I can, I do. When I see a good opportunity to learn by teaching and exploring together, I'll go it my way.

"Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. You’ve got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff isn’t going to work."

Many times I struggled with things because I didn't see the big picture. Didn't ask the question behind the question. Didn't have my own EUREKA! moment of the general idea before rushing off to plan activities and take actions. Remembering Randy's statement here calms me. I have renewed strength in my decisions that relate to this statement. Like not buying a DSLR within the next 60 days because I'm just having too much time learning the fundamentals on my Powershot SX100 point-and-shooter.

However, there are times when I confess I may have deliberated too much because of a skewed perception of what forms fundamentals. Sometimes I don't see the line between analysis paralysis and I then end up not doing the nike (read: just do it). I don't have many regrets, but there are at least 2 actions that I should have taken within the last 24 hours that would have put me on a different path than where I am right at this moment. But no. I mistakenly thought I was still in data-gathering mode that will end once I feel I have enough to grasp the fundamentals. I forgot that data-gathering mode is a continuous process in most cases. And now, I'll never know what could have been, and perhaps I never will.

"My colleague told me: "It took a long time, but I finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."

This one's funny. Funny weird and funny ha-ha. I just have one important thing to mention here. Based on what I've experienced, no matter how much their words appear to contradict their actions, they'll still find a way to tell you that they don't really mean what they did, it's what they say that matters. And no amount of crying will change that.

"When you're screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, that means they've given up on you."

Can you give up on someone permanently, though?

"Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting."

I thought I could do that. I didn't realise the cost of waiting. Maybe someone should write about that.

"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have and you may find one day that you have less than you think."

I know I said I'd wait. I didn't know that it's so easy to get comfortable with the routine and some would never come round to realising that what they're looking for is right there, in front of them. My bags are packed and I am ready to take off on the next part of the journey. If you don't feel that it's worth your time to take the initiative and just touch the sky with me, then so be it.

So be it.

He finally found her

Remember him? Well, after more than 5 years, he finally found her. When he asked her, she listened to her heart. Her heart didnt say much. Her heart just said, "we're in sync. Life is our classroom. Let's learn." So she replied - "What took you so long?" He threw his head back in laughter, lifted her off her feet and into his arms for a long hug. When they kissed, they realised that they BOTH had found each other. This is meant to happen now, not 5 years ago.

And it's all right.

Just love

A good friend of mine and his girl broke up and he said this: "I jumped into a relationship with the best intentions and they backfired in my face, so i'll just plod on, pick meself up and start again [albeit with a more dubious, cynical outlook than last time. If i've learned anything it's not give yourself too freely and for sure SAVE some of yourself...for yourself."

I wrote back to him and told him this:
Not to give ourselves freely to our loved one presents a bigger risk of regret. How can we be sure that we've given the best we can and lived all the moments in that relationship if we know in the back of our heads that we saved some of ourselves as cushioning, just in case? This does not help to answer honestly these questions:

1. If my he/she had access to all of me / my soul / my self would we have had a more fulfilling relationship?
2. Could I have done more?

Sure, we can answer those questions, but answers that are not completely honest means we are not being completely truthful to ourselves. There's also a potential for the relationship to be a self-fulfilling prophecy (I need to be more dubious and cynical because thats the only way to save my heart from being shattered again). The deep hell of 'what-ifs' is not a place for anyone I care about.

So, just love. Love as wholly as we can. Have faith in our heart's ability to heal. Be harmonious with the fact that we love ourselves and we give all of our heart to build a warm, loving relationship that brings out the best in us. If the relationship doesnt turn out as how we wanted it to, accept the fact and let's be grateful that we have had the opportunity to love and be loved in return.

For at least 2 years I have not loved anyone, I thought I was doing the right thing and my critical, analytical thinking saved my soul from hurt. I was wrong. I forgot about my heart's ability to heal. I did not feel any love because I did not love. I believed that every time a relationship ended, I could pick up my shattered heart from the floor, but the pieces would never be whole again. And that's what happened, because I believed it. I see the truth now. I'm grateful for the vision, because if not, I wouldnt have realised how I let my soul die. And this is as much as a continuous reminder to myself more than me sharing this opinion with you.

Please re-consider your strategy. You are good enough to love and to be loved. There's no need to keep a % of you to you, for you. Separate intentions from behaviour: hate the behaviour, not the person.


I asked for his forgiveness if I was too brash and insensitive in my remarks, I just will not let someone I know go forth with a strategy that I have seen to have more potential to destroy than to heal.

Was I too brash?

Parted no more

After years of drifting away from each other, they finally got together again. They chatted with each other, reminisced, and spoke about things the way friends who have regained contact after many years of absence do. So many things had changed after 5 years, yet still many things stayed the same. They both looked older, yet the cheekiness in their smiles remained. They were apart for many years and had gone through a lot, but the warm familiarity brought them close, even closer than before. They had both grown up, even though both had declared to never be tempted to even consider becoming mature adults, even if growing old is compulsory.

On the way home, he held her hand tight, their fingers interlaced. They talked non-stop until their voices grew husky and laughed until they had stitches in their sides. He held her in his arms until her breathing deepened to sleep. It was a rainy night, and when the thunder startled her, he stroked her back and soothed her until they both drifted off. In the morning, she awoke before the alarm rang. He opened his eyes and looked across the pillow into her smiling face. He smiled back. He felt like he'd been sleeping with her next to him forever.

Finally he is home. SHE is his home.

Faith healed

Just when I thought I'd managed to lose all faith in the the goodness of human heart, I chanced upon a quote by Ghandi.

“You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” - Mahatma Gandhi

Here's the funny/interesting thing - right after I read that, I felt my forehead soften, making a frown (that I had not been aware of earlier) disappear. My jaws unclenched - I didn't realize that they had been tense before. My eyebrows lifted and the areas around my eyes relaxed. My facial muscles melt into a small smile.

So today's Chautauqua is about healing. I want to remind myself that I am responsible to heal myself, and my subconscious mind is capable of that.

I have been rather negative very recently, without realizing it. Ever since I found myself in the middle of a misunderstanding between a young girl and her beau. She thinks what she has with her bloke is something really special and exclusive, whereas the bloke has always been very publicly clear about how single his matchstick is. Perhaps she believes that he's only keeping his toothbrush in her mug and only hers, when hers is not the only mug that's storing his toothbrush around town. I naturally checked him out the best I could, before rubbing noses with him, but I suppose I girl can go wrong sometimes...

However, it was quite the loveliest month, I must say. Regardless of his charming raconteur ways and slight braggart exterior, when we were alone, what shone through was his gentle warmth and humility. A strong desire to please those with him, an endearing unpretentiousness - perfectly happy to laugh at himself (I had a lot of opportunity to do that, yeh). We spoke on the phone a lot too, and emailed each other when we were not together.

Then the bombshell landed - such harsh words were spoken by someone so young. A seductress, she called me. Such a sad, pitiful, deceitful life, she called mine. For snatching someone that belonged to someone else, she maintained. My innocence? No such thing, according to her.

As much as I thought I didn't give a rat's ass about it, I guess I was a bit bothered by the bitterness. In fact, I'm still a little bit bothered by it.

No - I will go back to Gandhi's quote now. And have a little bit of healing.

What do you say?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There’s nothing like love to pull you up,
When you’re laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Walk with me, walk with me...
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say?

Don’t know much about your life
And I don’t know much about your world...

Star Wars episode 1?

In her living room, relaxing after supper -

He: Why not? What makes you think it won't work for us?
She: My insecurity I guess - in 10 years' time, you'll be just entering your prime years, not even 40 yet - and I'll already be a dried up old prune in my mid-40s
He: You're still using that I'm-too-young-for-you card? I cant believe this...
She: Baby, it's the only card I have!
He: Let's not think too far into the future then. 10 years IS a long time, you know. We might not even be around then...
She: Part of me says yes, live now, carpe diem; but part of me says what's the purpose of me being with someone who doesnt want to be with me in the long term? What if I get hurt? What if I cant get better after you go? I want to let go, I want to love - but I dont feel happy investing that in someone who's clear about only wanting to be with me for a short term!
He: Well at least I'm being honest, aren't I?
She: True enough...
He: You think too much. You know that right?
She: And how is that a problem?
He: It stops you from living life NOW!
She: What do you want me to do then?
He: What do YOU want to do?
She: I want to be with you. Love you. Be happy.
He: I want to be with you too - love you, and be happy with you. But we really dont know what's going to happen in the future, do we? I can't say 'let's be together forever' just blindly like that...
She: Where else has this worked, then? Tell me.
He: (concentrates on finding the answer)
She: (raises her eyebrows in a silent question)
He: I know!
She: Ok, tell me.
He: Queen Amidala and Anakin Skywalker!
She: (finding it difficult to stop the corners of the mouth to cease twitching in amusement)
He: It worked there, didn't it?
She: Yah - right up until he becomes the most ruthless icon of the dark side and ends up in a refrigerator suit and she dies while giving birth to their 2 kids...
He: You pessimist!

They hug. The issue is settled - for the time being...

Who's the lucky one?

Saw BB late last night - hung out at his place for a couple of hours. He told me that he's the lucky one for meeting me! Awww.....

Achtung Baby

We met properly only 6 hours before that party. He's one of B's good friends. Since JJ was the designated driver, the rest of us were all pretty happy to let our hair down and party. We arrived at the first party, a birthday bash, in good time. I enjoyed the gardens most. It was one of those well-manicured grounds with the expensive grass that was sold by the square metre. By 10:30 pm we were lying on our backs, faces turned up to the sky, watching the airplanes race through the thick clouds. A few times, our conversation got interrupted when I'd occasionaly jump up and chase the family's orange tabby cat around, just for fun. A few times, I caught him sitting up looking at me while I was trying to corner the tabby. I remember turning to him once and smiling at him over my shoulder, receiving a warm laugh in response. He said I surprised him with my insightful remarks. I told him he surprised me with his sense of humor - I had thought earlier that he didnt have one :-)

We sat a bit closer to each other in the car, on the way to the farewell party in KL. When we arrived, I was engulfed in Simon's and Marco's bear hugs and when I looked up, I couldnt find him. It was only after almost an hour later, while I was in the middle of a lovely conversation with a lady about our recent travels to Hong Kong that I felt his eyes on me again.

I finally took the advice featured endlessly by women's magazines.

I made eye contact, held it for a few seconds, and smiled.

Then I turned back to the lady I was talking to and continued our conversation. I didnt have to fake anything actually because the conversation was lively and engaging, and I almost forgot about him. He came up to me when Jospehine excused herself to join her boyfriend. Then we chatted. A lot. We made eye contact. A lot. Then we started to move to the music. When he ran his fingers along my collarbone, I swear it gave me goosebumps. Everytime his hands tightened on my waist, I felt like swooning. Honest.

On the way back to his apartment, he held his hand out to me, palm up. I took it. He interlaced his fingers with mine the whole time. We had planned to drop him off at his condo first, but when we arrived, we were all rather tipsy, and our designated driver was rather sleepy. B's idea made sense - instead of dropping off, we'd all go up to the condo and rest for a bit, have some coffee or tea, and then move on to send me home next before him and JJ make their way home.

Somehow coffee and tea turned to schnapps and vodka, but JJ and I helped ourselves to orange juice and water :-) While she took a nap on the loveseat and B smoked his cigarette on the balcony, I rested on the sofa. I felt, rather than saw him sit next to me. His white shirt was unbuttoned. It seemed natural for me to adjust myself to put my head on his lap while I lie on my back with my legs resting on the arm of the sofa.

I would've resisted words, but his touch was so gentle I didnt want to push him away. It's almost 2 years since I lost John to the waves that hit Phi Phi that December. No matter how much I'm told that it's not my fault, I still cant shake the guilt off. It was still my idea to change the destination to Phuket - no circumstance will change that fact. Losing John has made me testy. I didnt want to be close to another man. I couldnt. What I just realised last night was how much I miss being touched. Being gently carressed. When he smoothed my hair away from my forehead, I closed my eyes and closed the compartment in my brain that held my guilt for losing John. Temporary measures, I told myself, and I wanted that touch to continue. I wanted to feel those hands stroking my shoulders, those thumbs gently tracing my shut eyelids, my cheekbones, my jaw. I dont know why the tears came when they did, but I couldnt stop them. I felt his fingers brush my tears away. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I'd expected understanding, warmth, maybe even pity. But I was surprised when I saw sorrow. Deep sorrow and loss. Were there sorrow and loss written in my eyes and his eyes mirrored them?

A long while after that, I heard B ask him if I was ok while JJ went to the bathroom. I heard him reply that I was asleep. I heard him tell B and JJ that he'll send me home in the morning and he'll remind me to call them as soon as I get home. I heard JJ whisper to him to take care of me and ring her if I wanted a ride home from her as soon as I woke up. I must have dozed off after that because the next time I opened my eyes I was already curled up on the sofa, covered in blankets. He was in the other sofa, asleep. When I got back from the bathroom, he was awake, watching me. "Let's get some sleep now ok?" he said.

We woke up at 10:30 this morning. He fixed strong, thick German coffee for breakfast. I cooked pancakes for lunch. We went out to the night market and ate loads of rojak buah for dinner.

It's almost 1:30 am now. He's working on his laptop across from me. If I stretch my neck a bit, I can see my overnight bag and my gym bag on the bedroom floor, where he left them 3 hours ago. He just passed me a handwritten note on the back of an envelope - "Are you driving me to work or shall I send you to your office first tomorrow morning?" . I just slid the envelope back to him with my reply. He's smiling at what I wrote. He's looking at me now - "Let's get some sleep, ok?"

Good night, all.