Before and after: Bag storage idea

Notes on Project Closet :-)

Before: clutter and no proper storage for my bags, jeans and bedlinen.

After: Sorted. The empty top shelf is space for bedlinen.

Homesickness cure

Whenever I travel and I get a wee bit homesick for my family, I call them. When I miss my coccoon of personal space, I look at photos of my favorite corners of my apartment and instantly feel soothed.

My shoes! To the left is my corkboard where I store my earrings and stuff

One side of my walk-in. My little slice of heaven on earth... *sigh*

A corner of my living room dedicated to me and my punching bag. I hug it first when I come in after a long day, and it's where I practice my punches and kicks when I need to work off some steam. I wish it has arms so that I can get hugged back sometimes.

It's been a long time coming, but I really am happy with how things turn out. I finally dont feel too empty, lethargic and ill after coming home from my business trips. I've also started feeling the extra value of my weekends and I look forward to coming home after work.

Before this, my bed was out in the living room, along with my working desk, armchair and bedside tables. It felt more stark than any no-star no-moon hotel room. Maybe that was how I cushioned myself to make work traveling more tolerable. Sure, the 5- and 4-star hotels are lovely. Being the program manager, I always am given the higher end rooms, the club floors, the executive harborview rooms etc. In fact, the Kowloon Shangri-La one that I was in during the Hong Kong workshop in 2004 was half the size of my apartment. The bathroom alone was bigger than my bedroom! I didnt dare talk to anyone about how disconcerted I felt. To my ears even, I sounded ungrateful. I didnt dare to have my friends tell me that they'd give anything to have a job like mine. I sound like I'm whining if I tell them how lonely it gets. How I need to be on top of things all the time and it's not ethical for me to just take off during the day and plan a trip to Lantau Island to see the big Buddha statue. How wandering alone by myself was just not doing it for me. And how calling up friends or colleagues in a foreign city just doesnt work for me anymore because I feel uneasy having them feel that they need to plan some weekend agenda for me since I was in the country.

The last 2 weeks of 2006 was spent on vacation from work. I rearranged my furniture, got rid of a ot of clutter, put a rug in the living room with throw cushions, added a table lamp or two, and claimed my own personal space again. I dont need that much stuff, it turned out. No added furniture. No clutter. What I have is enough.

Yeah - things are not too bad at all :-)

Myers-Briggs Tpe Indicator-ed, pt 2

p.s.

I passed the exam!! I am now an internationally accredited MBTI practitioner. That means I am now allowed to purchase restricted MBTI materials, administer the tool in the correct settings, and interpret the results to clients in one-on-one sessions or in an interactive group session.

Interestingly enough, the statistics part of the program relaxed me. I enjoyed the theory and idea behind them, and I loved learning about it. The construction of the tool was the one that I need to study more to enhance my understanding.

I'm very grateful. And very happy. My gift to myself this year - the gift of learning.

Good on ya, girl.

Leaving on a jet plane

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..."

At least that's how the song went, if I'm not mistaken. Finally, the time has come to leave. What happens when you lose your interest and motivation in your job? You've been doing the same thing for 3 years and due to turbulent organizational changes, you had had to take extra management responsibility when your manager left. Not only you have to establish instant authority and credibility in front of your internal clients, who turn instantly into packs of crazy hyenas - more loud and scavenging than any external clients imaginable - you also need to work totally independantly. Your headquarters unit, halfway across the world from you, totally forgot that they were still paying some paltry salary to a staff member here in the Asia region. 3 years after that world-shaking event, headquarters finally got shaken and stirred more than Bond's vodka martini, and as the heads roll off at the guilliotine, they suddenly remember you. They now have an easier job for you. You no longer need to assume management responsibility. You now will report to a Tom in China, and while you both report to a Dick in Europe, you yourself need to report to a local Harry a few floors above you, who's totally clueless about what you do, by the way.

You lose interest. The challenge in your work is gone. You force yourself to slog on the best you can until it takes a toll on your health. Your neck gets stiff (and not because you swallowed a Viagra and it got stuck there), you're down with flu every goddamn day, and you get abdominal cramps even when it's not THAT time of the month. You enjoy traveling, but an opportunity to meet the team in an exotic European city somehow didi not appeal to you. You freeze, and the toothache came. When you schedule for a wisdom tooth surgery that just prevents you from traveling to another lovely continent for a meeting, I suggest you look deep into your soul to find out what are your preferences in life.

So you talk to your team leader who flies down to your office to meet you. You seek guidance. You two talk, then the Tom walks up to consult the Harry sitting a few floors up. Then you get summoned to the throne room and the local Harry (or Harriette), facial hair bristling, tells you that since you've lost your motivation and inspiration to continue with this work that's so bloody easier and less challenging than what you did before she just couldnt understand what you're looking for, it's best that you resign. There's no way you and the organization can continue together.

What do you do? Beg for another opportunity to redeem yourself?

I didnt. I just nodded and agreed to resign. My letter will be on her desk on Jan 31. Later, Tom came down to my office and told me that they discussed an amount to pay me since they were the ones who asked me to resign. Whatever. I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting. I dont feel the joy in fighting for every little scrap of task that I want to do because they were not originally delegated to me. I'm sick of it. I want my manager to do some work too. Identify my potential. Work with me to find out my interests and allocate tasks that motivate me into positive action. Things like that, you know? Sometimes, the best strategy to fight is to look deep and choose your battles. I have chosen mine and this is not it. The statement that the local boss made just trule demonstrated the senility and cluelessness that filled the head with cotton wool between the left and the right ears.

And tomorrow, I'll spend lunchtime in RedBox to belt out Air Supply and John Denver songs. The first will be "Leaving on a Jet Plane".

For now, it's bedtime.

It's good to be home

Finally I am home.

It felt good to touch down in KLIA yesterday afternoon. Me and my stiff neck are just not game enough to travel any more. The moment I got on the aircraft, I inflated my travel pillow. I then promptly fell asleep a few minutes after the inflight safety instruction video finished. Afiq teased me about my pillow when he saw me packing it into my handbag. "It's just a 40min flight- you dont need a travel pillow!" I didnt care - my poor neck and shoulders have suffered a lot from the seats.

Gym class tonight. There's also this singles nite thing in Bangsar to which I was invited. I coud go, after gym class. I still remember the last time I joined this mix and mingle event; I said hello to a few people and then I sat quietly in the comfy sofa, sipping my drink. It was fun watching people though. If I could drag 2 more friends to go with me then we get free entry.

Hm. Maybe. Why not.

Type indicator-ed

In Singapore now - in the middle of my training to achieve international accreditation to administer the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tool and interpret the results. What an awesome tool to help improve profit and team effectiveness. And the key gift of MBTI is of course - to help you understand yourself and have a better idea of why you do the things you do and say. Awesome. Did the exam today. Worked out the math - we will pass it if we do not get more than 16 questions wrong.

Agghhh....

I miss home. I miss my gym classes. I miss my punching bag in my living room. I miss my rug. I miss my bed. I miss my friends. I miss my mom and dad. I miss Awang, Intan, Kak Lah and my two nieces. I miss Mawaddah.

I miss my space and the people who make my life sweet.

I'll be home on Wednesday afternoon!!! Cant wait.

The year that was mine

What a year 2006 was.

For me, it was a roller coaster ride. More roller-coaster-y than 2005, for sure.

January saw me in Munich, meeting other Learning n Development Managers from Europe, Americas and a couple of HR managers from the Dubai and China offices. Met the big boss for the first time. Connected also with the man who would eventually become MY manager, Georg. Munich was beatiful in Winter. Sat through a video on Dianetics at the Scientology center. Bought the book - still havent read it :-)

February was the beginning of my search for a new job within my current organization. Lots of emails and phone calls followed. I participated in a Cha no yu for the first time. What an enlightening experience, that Japanese tea ceremony. I've posted my thoughts on that here

March had me traveling again - to Saigon. Interesting city. Opened up to someone for the first time tha I can remember. He picked up on my remark when I said to him that I'd lost my spirit and enjoyment in my job and gently urged me to talk about it, rather than continue keeping things bottled up. It led to a very memorable night. One of the keys to how I saw things and experienced 2006, actually.

April brought me to Singapore. Celebrated my birthday in a training program. Experienced the first of my many bouts of coughs and chest infections that led to Bronchitis. Choked on a huge mother of a lozenge while alone one evening in my hotel room. Fucking scary it was - I felt the thing lodged in my throat, poured water down my throat to wash it down and the water just trickled out of my mouth! I started pounding my own chest like my life depended on it (wait a tic - actually, it did) and the lozenge flew out and fell on the floor in front of me. Funny? Not really. I cried after that, thinking that if I had totally choked on it and died, no one would find out until Thursday evening's group graduation dinner.

May brought me new work. I'd be doing what I normally do, but in a new division. It saw me traveling to Bangkok a couple of times, discussed work details with my new boss, who joined a meeting there. An OK beginning. The month also saw my first experience with a tailor. They did a perfect job. Worth every sen. I wear the suits and shirts to death, and they still look respectable and brand-new. Definitely recommend them to my anyone. I learned more about myself than about anything else throughout this. I had to really be clear about what I want, what I needed, and make tough decisions - should I go for the more expensive fabric that had the right combo of durability, comfort and good looks? Or follow my original budget? I had to ask myself difficult questions: what to sacrifice in order to spend a bit more for the suits? What decisions do I let the tailor make for me? Which ones do I have a say on, no questions asked? I learnt how to listen to customers and asking the right questions. It was more than a day at the tailor for me.

June saw me resuming my romance with Bangkok and Muay Thai training. I was glad to be able to resume training on Thai Kickboxing, even though my legs got pretty busted and scarred from all the kicking drills. Thank goodness for the invention of panty hose - good cover up. Met up with friends who were vacationing, joined them, and had great fun. Love the city. The architecture. The train systems. Chatuchak weekend market. More importantly, DOC. The month also saw me giving myself a personal stretch goal for the first time. 16 hours of GX classes for charity. Miracle event at the gym. I never thought I could last but I did. I really felt I achieved something then. I began to feel that I was finally worth of my own approval.

July was when I landed in Phuket again for another training workshop to run. It was the first (and the last, looks like) time we ran a workshop in full sports gear. We used the lush grounds of the hotel as much as the lovely meeting rooms. Great value for money. They gave me the villa again - but I was feeling restless inside. Kept on thinking and feeling how great the villa would be if I had someone special to share it with. To come home to.

The only thing I remember about August was DOC - contacting me for the first time after Bangkok. We never promised to keep in touch, so it came as a pleasant surprise.

September/October was work, work, work. Was in Munich for a month for a get-to-know-the new team assignment. Strangely, for the first time I question my purpose to be here. To be in this field. To remain in the area of training and development. I felt lost. Confused. Thrown off balance. DOC flew to Munich to spend a weekend with me. We didnt do much - no day trips to Ludwig's castle or anything like that - just a walk in the English Gardens and lunch in Marienplatsz, dinners in the lovely little Italian restaurant on the ground floor of the hotel and lazing around on the couch and in bed watching CNN and BBC (the only channels that were not in Deutsch). We talked a lot. We sat together quietly a lot too. For the first time also I start to ask myself what do I really want in my life and what will I do about it.

November was Hong Kong. It was the graduation dinner of the final management development group; it was the evening where I wore my skirt as a dress cos it got too big and tent-like. It saw me decked out in an LBD and a bit of makeup and simple jewelery, with black stockings and 3" heels. I never knew I could 'do' sexy! *LOL* But if P can be believed, apparently I pulled it off....

December was finally, a relaxed month. I truly enjoyed the 2 weeks I was away from the office. I went to the gym, chilled out, gave my apartment a good fixer-upper, and turned it into my sanctuary. A place I call home. DOC's advice was a good one - mood lighting is necessary to create the right ambience. Christmastime saw a few parties and dates. Met EF - charming and cheeky. Seriously - physical attraction was there. I was surprised - I never thought a man would be physically attracted to me. Never happened before, when I 25kgs heavier that's for sure. And DS - such love and devotion to his woman. I learned a lesson here on how having clarity of vision and how envy would bring me nowhere. Instead of moaning and groaning of how unfair the world is treating singles like me, I decided to be objective, and took a small risk. To never lose hope and faith in love and connection between 2 human beings that create such warmth and tenderness and joy. That helped me be very clear with what I wanted for that one evening. I needed comfort from a friend and DS was there to provide it; bless his soul.

It's January 2007 now, and already I need to put my plan into gear. First, time to get my career on track. Take some risks. Make new friends. Expand my horizons. And live. It's time to live.

Sanctuary, and the aftershock

It was a little after 2 in the morning when C and I left the latest nightspot addition to the Curve. It's one of those 4 concepts-in-1 place spots, called the Sanctuary. It's a South East Asian cuisine restaurant, featuring Thai-style cooking. On the other half of the room it's a pub/lounge, with DJ's spinning the turntable from Wednesdays to Saturdays. In the corner, near the alternative exits (one of those doors with the sign that says PLEASE USE MAIN ENTRANCE) is a tiny ice room (box, rather) called the Ice Bar, that can fit up to 8 patrons in one time. The bar is supposed to be constructed of ice, along with other furnishings. It's not 100% complete, so it'll be better by early next year, I suppose. There are jackets on hangers outside the Ice Bar, with a bouncer guy stationed near the door. From what I saw, if you'd like to get into the Ice Bar, you flag one of the waiters down and tell him how many's in your party. Then, he'll come back and guide you there (remember the 8 patrons max at one time rule?) So it's like having drinks outdoors during icy cold winter, I think. Not sure what the other concept is to the place that makes 4, but then I've never been good all-in 1 products anywho.

DJ was great last night - apparently, Thursdays are ladies nights, with the normal list of complimentary drinks for ladies. I had one sip of the vodka lime and decided to stick to my faithful cola. Felt like I was sipping dishwashing liquid - not that I've ever, but then I dont need to fall out of a plane to have an idea of how it feels, do I? DJ played lots of retro, and the mixes blend into each other nicely; not one of those situations where you're left standing in between songs, guessing what's coming up next. Looking around, I realised that I get get my kicks from learning dance moves to great hits in my gym classes. In clubs, not a lot of dancing happens. Just a lot of gyrating bodies, sometimes bumping into the wait staff and other patrons. But C looked like he enjoyed himself a lot so I just went with the flow.

I first saw him while I was walking back to the car from the Autopay machine. I thought this young man was walking the way he was due to a disability - but the weaving pattern he made was not due to Polio, and C confirmed it when I pointed it out to him. We drove to where the young man was slumped next to a car (it was his, we later found out) and after we found out his name, we (or rather, C did) helped him throw up a bit and cleaned him up. We got him to tell us who to call, and I spoke to his friend, a young woman with a warm voice, Charlene. She asked to speak to him, I told her that we'd stay with him until she got there. In the meantime, the young man, B, was alternating between catnaps and tears. Kept on going on about how useless he was. Poor kid. C did most of the comforting - kept on consoling him that his friend's on his way to get him home and we would stay with him until she arrived. About 40 minutes later, Charlene arrived, with her friend Jessie. Both were polite and very concerned about B. Charlene found B's car keys in his pocket, got the car park coupon and we helped get him into the car. She'd drive him home while Jessie followed in her car that they arrived in. Smart girls.

A few cars passed us while we waited for Charlene. Only 1 stopped to ask if things are ok. The rest just drove past. A security guard rode by on his bike. Gave us somewhat of an evil eye or steely stare, but nevertheless, didnt slow down. Hell - we could have been baddies who beat up that poor kid and were taking a break while he lay there, bleeding internally, for all he cared. I'd like to believe that someone would have stopped and checked B's condition if we had not been there.

I'll drag C into a Body Jam class next time.

Sorted, Guv!

Happy days are on its way. I finished one part of my home re-org. The airconditioning unit was installed in the bedroom yesterday. The installation guys also reinforced the hook on the ceiling for my punching bag. Nice job, for a small tip and a bag of crinkle potato chips. This morning I only took a little bit more than an hour to turn my Queen-size bed to a different side to make way for my work table, bring in the work table and chair, set up my SoHo and have my Maxis wireless broadband up and running. I like the peace and quiet. I wont have to share my desk with C anymore. LOVE THAT. I still have a few things left to do i.e. clean up my walk-in wardrobe next door and fix up the living room a bit. For now I dont feel the pressure because I know the main thing on my list is achieved. I've created my personal space. But I would like to get the living room sorted before I leave for the east coast tomorrow.

What I'm in the spirit to do is to look around for a sturdy and comfy sofa. I remember Farid's recommendation a few weeks ago to source for functional and smart furniture at Cavenzi. There is a showroom near the Centrepoint area, which is close, so maybe I'll pop by there this afternoon.

I really need to go to the gym today. Need to work off the lychee martini, spicy chicken sausages and bloody mary that I guzzled last night at Laundry! Yummy lychee martini, but I think I drank it too fast - I became very lightheaded very quickly after. After gallons of water (until right now, actually) I feel a llittle confident that I wont be woozing my way around so it's time to work the stuff out of my system :-)

Before things get more pear-shaped... he he he

Splurge: Everlast. Save: Oriental

It's been a long time coming, but finally I can cross several things off my list.

I think I've got most of the stuff sorted out - my new red Oriental punching bag will be secured to a strong hook and hung from the ceiling. I've always wanted to use that corner space in the living room and now I can. The electricians will be here on Tuesday to install the new airconditioning unit in my bedroom. The bed can then go back to its original place. I'll move the dresser to a different corner of the bedroom so that my legs wont be pointing towards it when I'm in bed. I'll be able to use my bedside table again - with my bedside table lamp and clock on it, just like before. I can find a lovely, comfy, corner sofa to put in front of the TV - a corner sofa that I can sink into.

I'm leaving the TV in the living room, for sure. If I bring it into the bedroom, my insomnia will never find its cure! I've decided to turn my bed into a haven for sleeping only. No more reading in bed. No more eating in bed - yep, my night bed is also a day bed / sofa for the time being, all achieved with clever use of multi-functional bedcovers - slip the comforter all the way up, over the pillows, place a throw / colorful batik sarong across the bed and va-va-voom! Instant daybed. Before bedtime, take the wrap off, shake/fluff the comforter, fold it back down the lower half of the mattress, and I have my night bed again, for my deep slumber.

I only haven't fully figured out my strategy for the SoHo yet. I dont like to see the criss-crossing wires. I dont like to work from a cramped location, that's why I moved my workstation out to the living room. I think I'll decide on its location once I sorted out the bed and the sofa.

Merry Christmas to me :-)

To the one that got away

I was folding up your letters, unpacking winter clothes
Searching for my hat I thought I left it by the door
So I tore around the room like a bird without a head
I saw your picture waving back at me from underneath the bed
From a long, long time ago
When all I had was a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure
The one that you wore
You loved the look, but you never looked inside
You would have seen me there
You could’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars

I’m trying to live in the present but I keep tripping on the past
Finding out reality, well - clarity comes in drips and draps
No, we never had the time for everything we had
So it felt like we had nothing
That’s what makes this hat so sad
It was a long, long time ago
When all we had was a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure
The one that you wore
You loved the look but you never looked inside...
you would have seen us there, you could’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars

Now whenever I’m alone, and I think I might forget
I wear my lucky hat just like a crown up on my head -

’Cause all I have is a hat full of stars
The one I’ll always treasure, the one that you wore
You loved the look, but you didnt look inside
If you could see me now, you would’ve seen far
You should’ve seen the magic in my hat full of stars...

Achtung Baby

We met properly only 6 hours before that party. He's one of B's good friends. Since JJ was the designated driver, the rest of us were all pretty happy to let our hair down and party. We arrived at the first party, a birthday bash, in good time. I enjoyed the gardens most. It was one of those well-manicured grounds with the expensive grass that was sold by the square metre. By 10:30 pm we were lying on our backs, faces turned up to the sky, watching the airplanes race through the thick clouds. A few times, our conversation got interrupted when I'd occasionaly jump up and chase the family's orange tabby cat around, just for fun. A few times, I caught him sitting up looking at me while I was trying to corner the tabby. I remember turning to him once and smiling at him over my shoulder, receiving a warm laugh in response. He said I surprised him with my insightful remarks. I told him he surprised me with his sense of humor - I had thought earlier that he didnt have one :-)

We sat a bit closer to each other in the car, on the way to the farewell party in KL. When we arrived, I was engulfed in Simon's and Marco's bear hugs and when I looked up, I couldnt find him. It was only after almost an hour later, while I was in the middle of a lovely conversation with a lady about our recent travels to Hong Kong that I felt his eyes on me again.

I finally took the advice featured endlessly by women's magazines.

I made eye contact, held it for a few seconds, and smiled.

Then I turned back to the lady I was talking to and continued our conversation. I didnt have to fake anything actually because the conversation was lively and engaging, and I almost forgot about him. He came up to me when Jospehine excused herself to join her boyfriend. Then we chatted. A lot. We made eye contact. A lot. Then we started to move to the music. When he ran his fingers along my collarbone, I swear it gave me goosebumps. Everytime his hands tightened on my waist, I felt like swooning. Honest.

On the way back to his apartment, he held his hand out to me, palm up. I took it. He interlaced his fingers with mine the whole time. We had planned to drop him off at his condo first, but when we arrived, we were all rather tipsy, and our designated driver was rather sleepy. B's idea made sense - instead of dropping off, we'd all go up to the condo and rest for a bit, have some coffee or tea, and then move on to send me home next before him and JJ make their way home.

Somehow coffee and tea turned to schnapps and vodka, but JJ and I helped ourselves to orange juice and water :-) While she took a nap on the loveseat and B smoked his cigarette on the balcony, I rested on the sofa. I felt, rather than saw him sit next to me. His white shirt was unbuttoned. It seemed natural for me to adjust myself to put my head on his lap while I lie on my back with my legs resting on the arm of the sofa.

I would've resisted words, but his touch was so gentle I didnt want to push him away. It's almost 2 years since I lost John to the waves that hit Phi Phi that December. No matter how much I'm told that it's not my fault, I still cant shake the guilt off. It was still my idea to change the destination to Phuket - no circumstance will change that fact. Losing John has made me testy. I didnt want to be close to another man. I couldnt. What I just realised last night was how much I miss being touched. Being gently carressed. When he smoothed my hair away from my forehead, I closed my eyes and closed the compartment in my brain that held my guilt for losing John. Temporary measures, I told myself, and I wanted that touch to continue. I wanted to feel those hands stroking my shoulders, those thumbs gently tracing my shut eyelids, my cheekbones, my jaw. I dont know why the tears came when they did, but I couldnt stop them. I felt his fingers brush my tears away. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I'd expected understanding, warmth, maybe even pity. But I was surprised when I saw sorrow. Deep sorrow and loss. Were there sorrow and loss written in my eyes and his eyes mirrored them?

A long while after that, I heard B ask him if I was ok while JJ went to the bathroom. I heard him reply that I was asleep. I heard him tell B and JJ that he'll send me home in the morning and he'll remind me to call them as soon as I get home. I heard JJ whisper to him to take care of me and ring her if I wanted a ride home from her as soon as I woke up. I must have dozed off after that because the next time I opened my eyes I was already curled up on the sofa, covered in blankets. He was in the other sofa, asleep. When I got back from the bathroom, he was awake, watching me. "Let's get some sleep now ok?" he said.

We woke up at 10:30 this morning. He fixed strong, thick German coffee for breakfast. I cooked pancakes for lunch. We went out to the night market and ate loads of rojak buah for dinner.

It's almost 1:30 am now. He's working on his laptop across from me. If I stretch my neck a bit, I can see my overnight bag and my gym bag on the bedroom floor, where he left them 3 hours ago. He just passed me a handwritten note on the back of an envelope - "Are you driving me to work or shall I send you to your office first tomorrow morning?" . I just slid the envelope back to him with my reply. He's smiling at what I wrote. He's looking at me now - "Let's get some sleep, ok?"

Good night, all.

Tolerating or understanding?

There are times when anger just feels like it’s about to burst out from all my pores. Like all the smoke and fire will just fly out of my nose and ears. Something as small as C asking me if he can use my LAN connection when the cable is still plugged to my computer. Like him asking me for a tenner even when he knows that I have only 30 bucks in my purse and to my name. I feel a deep, smoldering heat that threatens to consume me. The threat feels so real that I feel I could just implode and dissolve into a small pile of ashes after 3 minutes of internal combustion. The heat just sometimes rises to my face and I can feel it – I can feel the blood vessels expand and all this life fluids are brought on to that thin space just under the top layer of my skin. From the top of my head to my toes. It’s so hot sometimes that I feel like if I submerge myself into a tub of water I’d be able to see and hear the hiss of the steam! I feel like ending every sentence – nay, every word – with 50 exclamation marks.

I feel such peace and quiet when he’s not here, actually. Today, my brother and his family made plans to spend some time with me at my place. C stayed away to make way for them; surely, a flatmate is not what my brother is expecting when he comes to visit his elder sister. The plan was for after lunch, but because it rained, it had to be postponed to dinner. Oh what bliss! I had a few hours to myself to do whatever I want. What freedom! It’s such a joy to not have another laptop in front of mine on my workstation. So refreshing to not hear the irritating termite-like sound of the hurried clicking of the mouse button while he plays his online game. Such a sight for sore eyes for me to see the clear desk in front of me, without the usual clutter of the 2 extra laptops, the mouse device, the assortment of keys and small rubbish, the used mugs, the empty food packets. So relaxing to not have to worry about anyone walking behind me, looking over my shoulder to watch what’s on my computer screen. Privacy. How wonderful.

I hate the person I have become. I turn inward, even from myself. I trust no one, yet I long to be trusted. I don’t want to depend on others, yet I want to considered as dependable. I want to be calm, yet my temper is on hair trigger most of the time when C is near. This is not love. This is not understanding. This is toleration gone wrong. An overstayed welcome. When he moves on, he literally will move on forward. I will be the one who will need to get used to him not being here any more. I want him to move on now but the bugger is so down and out he doesn’t even have another place to stay. Somehow I don’t trust him. I have a strong feeling that if he’s out on the streets, he’ll find a way to survive. He can't let himself be homeless now can he? I don’t want to even see his stuff any more. The clutter. It’s clogging up my mind like someone’s stuffing cotton wool into my head and has not stopped. I just want him to leave. Go. Get out of my life. But the many times I told him that he just asks me to give him another few months to get his shit together. I put up with this for so long – by now he’s had so much time, his shit would have time to put their shit together! I’m exhausted. I’m angry at myself. I can't even be strong and stand for myself now. I’m letting him walk all over me. I don’t know who I hate more right now. Him or me.

stylish fashion or fashionable style?

fashion / Pronunciation [fash-uhn]
–noun

1. a prevailing custom or style of dress, etiquette, socializing, etc.: the latest fashion in dresses.
2. conventional usage in dress, manners, etc., esp. of polite society, or conformity to it: the dictates of fashion; to be out of fashion.
3. manner; way; mode: in a warlike fashion.
4. the make or form of anything: He liked the fashion of the simple, sturdy furniture.
5. a kind; sort: All fashions of people make up the world.

style / Pronunciation [stahyl]

–noun

1. a particular kind, sort, or type, as with reference to form, appearance, or character: the baroque style; The style of the house was too austere for their liking.
2. a particular, distinctive, or characteristic mode of action or manner of acting: They do these things in a grand style.
3. a mode of living, as with respect to expense or display. An elegant, fashionable, or luxurious mode of living: to live in style.
4. a mode of fashion, as in dress, esp. good or approved fashion; elegance; smartness.
5. the mode of expressing thought in writing or speaking by selecting and arranging words, considered with respect to clearness, effectiveness, euphony, or the like, that is characteristic of a group, period, person, personality, etc.: to write in the style of Faulkner; a familiar style; a pompous, pedantic style.
6. manner or tone adopted in discourse or conversation: a patronizing style of addressing others.
7. a particular, distinctive, or characteristic mode or form of construction or execution in any art or work: Her painting is beginning to show a personal style.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

In May 2006, I made the first serious decision regarding my work wardrobe.

So I went to Bangkok and had suits made. I saved a lot for that because I know I needed higher end fabric for this. I decided to use my tailor's expertise from design phase, including identifying user requirements (I'm the user, of course). So, here's what transpired:

Before meeting with tailor:

1. I did reseach on fabrics and how they work in different climates. Also got a general idea of the logic behind combination of different types
2. Decided what kind of clothes do I want to wear and generally where and what will I need them for

During meetings with tailor, I detailed my requirements: among them -

1. I'll be wearing the suits primarily in hot and humid tropical climate. Main purpose of clothes are not for meetings overseas cold climate locations
2. Need tailoring that makes me look good e.g. I don’t tuck in shirts because my waistline is not obvious so I need shirts that are designed to be worn outside
3. I've got a short torso so I need the design that makes me look well-proportioned. I don’t like shirts that 'bubble' because they don’t fall nicely on my lower back
4. I'm overly concious of my thighs so trouser design must have a balanced degree of flare at the bottom without looking like the nanny of the Brady Bunch kids
5. Type of fabric must take into account how nicely they fall ie hang on my body frame
6. Type of fabric must be lightweight and suitcase-friendly ie does not crumple too much too easily.
7. Style must be lean and not too bulky esp when we're including linings
8. Fabric must be travel friendly ie I don’t want to dry clean the damn stuff all the time. I'm cool with handwash - I handwash my own clothes
9. Good color combo that brings out the healthiest of my skin tone and hair color
10. Total mix and match ie all shirts must be able to be worn with any suit and colors must be 'me' enough within the generally accepted 'corporate' hues
11. NO PLAIN BLACK SUITS, NO PLAIN WHITE SHIRTS

That's just some of it. Apparently I hit the right nerve because my tailor became very engrossed in this project. Has the mark of not just a good tailor, but a great businessman. We collaborated harmoniously together, reviewing all fabric and color choices. We looked at different suit jacket lengths, trouser length, hem design, waistband design, skirt lengths - time consuming yet satisfying. I think my tailor bloomed more than I - he really enjoyed the challenge. No surprises then when I ended up with the higher end of fabric - I had had to agree to the combo of 70% cashmere and 30% wool for my suits; the only fabric that met all my requirements, no compromises. Shirts are normal lah - egyptian cotton.

So, after much civilised and unhurried discussion of price and package configuration, the final price came to THB 28, 000 for these items:
3 suit jackets
3 knee-skimming length skirts
3 pairs of trousers
4 long sleeve shirts with cuffs made for to wear with cufflinks
3 silk scarves

Suits came in dark dusty grey pinstripes, dark blue and khaki-beige. Shirts came in dark red/maroon, white and pink checks (small fine pink squares, not huge ones, on white background - my favorite!), corporate blue (the one between light blue and normal blue) and creamy sunflower yellow.

I remember comtemplating a lot of things during the 2 fittings. When everything was ready, I insisted on not having the clothes delivered to the hotel. I went to pick them up, and tried everything. Even the different mix and match combos of shirts and suits. Brought my pantyhose (dark and normal skin colors) and my 2 pairs of often-worn heels - 3" and 1.5". The other tailors employed by the shope were rather surprised, but my tailor didn’t even bat an eyelash. As I arrived, he asked the help staff to prepare cold drinks, sat me down and took out the clothing items from the bags and laid them out while I cooled down (Bangkok - hot and humid!) and offered a cool towel too, so that I wouldn’t get sweaty during fittings after. He continued with his work and let me sit there quietly reading the papers and sipping my drink until I said "OK, I'm ready now," about 20 mins after I had arrived.

After the fitting he invited me to sign the customer pattern/measurement book. It's a huge one that tailors use and he had shown me that book at our first meeting, for me to read the testimonials of other satisfied customers. A lot of them wrote long stuff. On my page, I wrote "Perfect fit. Well done." I guess he caught my expression and knew that those were the only words needed. He presented me with a small box. Inside, a pair of Gucci cufflinks. I know they were from Patpong market or Chatuchak, but I don’t care. I wear them until now.

I returned to KL with my key wardrobe pieces. I wear them to death, knowing that I won't have to purchase any new office wardrobe for the next 18 months, at least. Did I mention that adjustments (to accomodate for expansions or the opposite) would be free of charge?

I recommended him to my friends. Some are happy, some are not, but I know none of them received any cufflinks :-) but I note that the few who were unhappy did not approach this project with harmony and peace of mind. Expectations were not clear. Even if they were, they were communicated in a very fishmonger-ish manner. Harsh tone of voice, condescending, know-it all. Hey I love them, theyre still my friends :-) but it's their clothes decision, so I never intrude.

For me, I began to see the difference between style and fashion. I see fashion as seasonal. Something hot now may not be so hot next year. Style lives forever. It's what a person makes out of fashion. It's something deeply personal. It's the intangible thing that makes us see how can one dress look awesome on one person, yet the same dress doesnt really work on another body.

At the end of the day, I learnt this - it's true that clothes maketh the man; but it's the man who decides on the clothes, and he'd better have a great tailor.

to explode or not to explode?

ex . plo . sion  / Pronunciation [ik-sploh-zhuhn]

1. an act or instance of exploding; a violent expansion or bursting with noise, as of gunpowder or a boiler (opposed to implosion).
2. the noise itself: The loud explosion woke them.
3. a violent outburst, as of laughter or anger.
4. a sudden, rapid, or great increase: a population explosion.
5. the burning of the mixture of fuel and air in an internal-combustion engine.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

The meeting started pretty harmlessly, just like any other weekly team meetings where the focus would be on updates of work status. However, one gets the expression that the other shoe was going to fall as the we went into the first 10 minutes.

The other shoe did fall. And it fell with a very loud explosion. Suffice to say, a lot of frustration was aired by 2 of the team members. They used me as an example though. If this example is seen from a point of view that's not too friendly, it could indicate that they're critisizing me and my scope of work. Like questioning my decision to be involved in content development while at the same time wearing the logistics and area coordinator hat. Like not being focused on what's more important and urgent.

Seen from a more task-oriented objective point of view, this could be taken as an attempt of a more senior team member to protect another from unwise use of her time i.e. Batman speaking up for Robin because Batman knows better and Batman has seen this happening before and Batman doesnt want Robin to be put in situations where Robin will not be able to focus on his strengths.

Thank goodness I read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking http://www.amazon.com/Blink-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316172324/ref=pd_sim_b_1/102-7101110-3615323?ie=UTF8 and became more aware of how snap judgements can be really useful and not just hasty decisions that are poorly-made. I observed the situation and assessed it. My decision was to keep quiet and keep a neutral facial expression (read: blank). Main message I wanted to convey: whatever that's being discussed was an example, not an exact case in point. It's always advantageous to keep a few cards up one's sleeve.

It worked. The small strategy bought me some extra time to get a better feel of the whole situation and find out the source of frustration experienced by a couple of the team members. The outcome was positive - our responsibilities have been made clearer and thankfully I'll be able to return home earlier. Most importantly, the underlying current of tension that I sensed when I first got here has gone.

I did not explode. Good for me. 2 things to do when I get home:

1. Learn chess strategies
2. Learn how to play poker

Sounds doable ;-)

Train encounters

ex - ot - ic / Pronunciation[ig-zot-ik]

–adjective

1. of foreign origin or character; not native; introduced from abroad, but not fully naturalized or acclimatized: exotic foods; exotic plants.
2. strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance: an exotic hairstyle.
3. of a uniquely new or experimental nature: exotic weapons.
4. of, pertaining to, or involving stripteasing: the exotic clubs where strippers are featured.

–noun
something that is exotic: The flower show included several tropical exotics with showy blooms.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

There I was, sitting quietly in the speed train at Ostbanhhoff (Munich east) station before it moves to my destination station to the south east. Usually, at Ostbahnhoff, the trains wait a bit longer before continuing ahead. I kept my nose buried in my book and looked up for a quick moment and noticed a short-haired, business-suited young gentleman looking at me rather intently. We made eye contact . He smiled. I smiled a little smile back. Suddenly, he hurried into the train and sat down across from where I was sitting.

"Hi," he says.
I smile and nod.
"You're staying at the Karl Theodor hotel, arent you?" he asks.
I just look at him, still looking polite, but not really keen on giving him the information.
"I stay there too, I'm Andreas," he holds out his hand.
"Well, nice to meet you, Andreas." I shake his hand.
"I've seen you a few times at the lobby but I didnt have a chance to say hello" he smiles again.

The train starts to move.

"Well it's a surprise to meet you here, then" I tell him.
"Are you here for work?" He asks.
I nod. "And you?" I ask him back.
He nods back to me. We nod a lot.
"I'll be here for a month and a half," he tells me. I nod again.
"Almost the same as me - about a month" I tell him.

The train arrives at St. Martin Strasse halt - my destionation. I gather my bag and stand up. He stands up too. The doors open and we step out together.

Before I go down the staircase to exit the station, he gives me his name card and writes his room number at the back. I take it and return his smile. Ya - we nod and smile a lot in the 8-minute train ride.

"Will you call me when you're free one of these evenings? If you like, I'd like to invite you for a drink," he asks me.
I nod and smile. "Maybe this evening or tomorrow?" I ask him.
His smile got wider. "That sounds super," he says the word super the way Germans do, making the 's' sound like a 'z'.
"You have a good day today," he tells me. He gives me a short wave.
I nod again. I begin to feel like one of those bobbing-head dolls you I see stuck on car dashboards.
"I've got to catch the train back to Ostbahnhoff now to go to the opposite direction." He tells me.
I had to laugh at that.
"Thanks for keeping me company then," I tell him.
"Thanks for letting me!" He starts to laugh too.

I still hear his chuckles as I start walking down the stairs.

I smiled all the way to the office. He does have a nice smile. Then I remembered something.

I never told him my name.

Guess I'll have to call him this evening after work then, won't I?

Funny how these encounters never happen to me back home... maybe I'm not exotic enough in my homeland, neh? :-)

Step into my parlor, said the spider to the fly...

Looks like the real design work for me starts today. After a good intro to the management course and the current status of design, I am beginning to understand the whole picture. I kept on wondering what was the one thing that I felt was eluding me before – the underlying concept of the whole training program pyramid from the most basic management course to the top management course. Apparently, there’s this thing called the ‘red thread’ that is the one thing that holds the learning sequence together, from top to bottom. Technically, the red thread is the correct combination of the key messages and the order they are presented to the participant. If I have a set of key messages and they are presented in an order that is not logically connected to one another and does not make sense, I am still guilty of not maintaining the red thread throughout the learning sequence.

So what I'm doing now is getting started with my work. I’m at the first step: familiarizing myself with the topic. My topic is motivation. Looks like my inherent attraction to complexity has displayed itself again. Apparently I have chosen the 2 more high-profile topics! These are part of the core ideas of the leadership topics – understanding motivation and how to motivate yourself and the people you work with, and I have also ‘successfully’ selected the topic of being part of a management team and leading your own team. Now I look back and think – what on earth inspired me to select this topic? Could understanding the subconscious reason behind this choice be one of the keys I need to get cracking on the right foot here?

Oct 12 coming soon

It's only a few more days until Sanada-san's birthday.

The latest news on this versatile artist is that he's signed up for the latest in the Jackie Chan 'Rush Hour' series. Currently filming in Paris. He'll be one of the baddies in this movie. Based on what I've heard, the director and producers were interested in Yao Ming for this role, initially. I suppose he said no, so they approached Sanada-san. A lot of us remember him as Ujio in 'The Last Samurai'.

The list of his latest movies is growing. I havent yet caught these ones:

1. The White Countess - he stars along Ralph Fiennes and Natasha Richardson
2. The City of Your Final Destination - along with Anthony Hopkins
3. Sunshine - a Danny Boyle film, along with Michelle Yeoh(CTHG with Chow Yun Fatt), Rose Bryne (Troy) and Cillian Murphy (Batman Begins)
4. Aimless Aegis - a Japanese movie about a hijack of a hi-tech Aegis escort ship

I havent heard any updates of work on the City of Your Final Destination though - so I wonder what's up with that one.

But I do love Sanada-san's work. And he is a beautiful man, too :)

Wish upon a star

Currently:

1. mind-mapping my packing list for the next work-related trip; books and other binders, equipment, clothes
2. finalizing list of references for my chosen contents of the pre-program work materials and process
3. preparing certificates of completion for the group graduating from the November 2006 management development/training program
4. in the middle of preparation for the grueling work on the training program development assignment due to start Tuesday Oct 10

Wish I was:

1. lying on a deck chair with a gorgeous Speedo-wearing hunk massaging my bikini-clad body with SPF-6 sun tan oil
2. enjoying a huge bowl of Penang prawn noodles or Ipoh kway teow soup with iced coffee or watermelon juice
3. window-shopping in 1Utama for shoes (heels, casuals, new NIKEs)
4. trying on dresses in Blook, Tangoo, Spade…
5. having pizza in Pizza Hut
6. browsing for ID ideas in IKEA
7. in the gym steam room for pore and hair treatment
8. in a salon for body scrub, massage, facial, bikini line waxing, upper lip hair removal, eyebrow trim
9. having an Affogatto in Dome café
10. having an Affogatto and pancakes and eggs and turkey ham with a few magazines in Dome café

Well -

a girl can dream, can't she?

my anthem

Dream On - Aerosmith

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It goes by, like dusk to dawn
Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Yeah, I know nobody knows
where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life is in books' written pages
Lived and learned from fools and from sages
You know it's true
All the things you do come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away

Dream On Dream On
Dream On
Dream until your dreams come true
Dream On Dream On
Dream On
Dream until your dream comes through
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On Dream On
Dream On

Sing with me, sing for the year
sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away...